I am lucky enough to work for a Meditation Retreat company called Jhourney based out of San Francisco. I had my first retreat with them May 2024 and wrote a Blog about it, which you can find here. They helped me learn how to meditate myself and since then it’s been something I look forward to every day. I am happy to say that since I found them I am a Meditator, and i love it.

I have been on their facilitation team with an incredible group of humans which is a great joy to me. I’ve just returned from a deeply immersive retreat with them at Mt Madonna in California, and it was nothing short of transformative - but not the way you think!!!

Imposter Syndrome was definitely coming up for me as I was helping other people learn how to meditate while I was struggling with my own thoughts, patterns, coping skills and fear. This meditation retreat brought up a lot of unexpected emotions for me, and I always like to share in case it helps someone else feel less alone!

Since my break up last year I have been managing, sometimes better than other times, sometimes worse. But such is life, right? Well, what I realized on this retreat is my ~ main ~ coping skill that ‘keeps me safe,’ and ‘on my path’ and ‘moving forward’ is a pattern of Perfectionism!! And honestly, this pattern has been incredibly helpful with keeping me on track with my physical health since the break up - my daily workouts / coffee walks / and rock climbing with a “I MUST DO THIS” mindset. But spoiler alert- this pattern is not good long term or for emotional health AND I had no idea how much this pattern crept into the driver’s seat of my life, but there it was, looking over at me in the passenger seat.

This childhood pattern, that a lot of us have, was created when I was rewarded and loved most when I did well, and disregarded, disrespected and devalued when I did poorly; this lead me to mistakenly think I was only worthy when I did and performed well, and I was not worthy or lovable when I didn’t do well. This Perfectionist Pattern can also lead to people pleasing, masking, and fawning (the lesser known sister of the Fight or Flight response.) These patterns show up in my relationships…

I’m going to be the best partner ever and prove I’m worthy of love!
I’m going to put their needs first so they don’t abandon me!
I’m not okay but they only like me when I’m 100%, so I’ll be 100%!

This pattern also shows up when I’m under stress or going through a hard time…

I must be perfect or all is lost
I’ll be fine (even when I’m clearly not)
*would literally die before asking for help*

On this meditation retreat this pattern came up, and it came up LOUDLY - a spiritual 2x4 if you will! I was experiencing imposter syndrome, fear, not being good enough, worthy enough, smart enough, etc! It started to materialize in my physical body - I was actually having difficulty breathing + sleeping! Luckily I am always honest when someone asks how I’m doing and when my friends asked - I told them the truth - that I was really suffering inside of my own mind; thankfully I was surrounded by incredibly insightful friends who were able to mirror back to me that: I’m actually doing amazing all things considered! Thankfully I was at a meditation retreat, thankfully I knew how to sit with myself and breathe through it, rather than just trying to get around it without feeling it. So I felt into it and at first it sucked. My brain told me how ~ not good enough ~ I was and how ~ unworthy ~ I was, so I asked it what was the positive intention behind those phrases and mean thoughts. It continued: you suck and you shouldn’t be here, and I kept sitting with these thoughts asking what the positive intention was behind them. Finally they said forgiveness, peace, and letting go and I was able to breathe these intentions into my body and into my bones.

I was able to sit with myself, my struggles, my life events, and then the fear, and the messiness of being a sensitive human. I realized that the fear was false, perfectionism is not real, and I am allowed to be whatever I am in the moment, and I am worthy of love despite my messiness! All humans are! I was able to allow forgiveness to wash over me and uncover peace. I was able to let go of these false thoughts because I know logically and intuitively they are NOT me.

It’s ridiculous to think my worth is based on random thoughts in my head. I was reminded of a quote that I often share with clients - do not believe every thought you think! Your thoughts are not your truth!! Why? Well, our thoughts are based on the world inside of us and also the world outside of us. There are no answers in the world outside of ourselves, so by letting go of the external world and turning our gaze inward we begin to find our own personal truth.

Through allowing myself to be messy, imperfect, and loving the shit out of that broken-hearted girl inside me there began a spark, and through meditating on the ridiculousness of my thoughts, the silly notion that I am not worthy or good enough or lovable because I’m not 100% and the overall absurdity of the whole thing (being alive). The clouds in my head broke and I started to bask in the sunshine of my own heart and the infinite wellspring of love and courage and resilience that radiates from deep within me.

I know that every time my heart breaks and I find myself lost, I come back to myself stronger, more resilient, more compassionate, more patient, and more loving. I’m proud of my path and I’m proud of this person I’m always becoming.

So! After a full 7 days of struggle and then stillness, reflection on worth and lovability, and strong energetic recalibration through falling in love with myself again, has left me feeling more aligned and centered than ever.

TBH, I’m also wandering through Asia so that definitely helps ;)

I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”
― Frank Herbert

Let’s be messy silly imperfect humans that have beautiful intentions and learn from our mistakes and become better every day <3

I’d love to hear your story about how you overcame Imposter Syndrome! Message me + let’s chat!

Imposter Syndrome on Retreat