aka what are boundaries and why we need them :P
Over New Years 2022-2023 my friends and I were skiing at Snowbowl in Flagstaff, AZ talking about our New Years resolution. I stated “I’m in my villain era.” When my friends asked what that meant I responded with “I’m matching energy. Giving energy to those who give it back, not overextending and putting my needs first.” I’m a verbal processer, so when I say things out loud I’m literally processing my thoughts and feelings and discovering my truth while I talk. I realized that what I mean by “I’m in my villain era,” was simply me setting boundaries.
Boundaries are a vital aspect of self-care, they are often misunderstood. Many people view setting boundaries as being selfish (especially if we are not used to setting them!), but in reality, boundaries are an essential tool for protecting our emotional and physical well-being, maintaining healthy relationships and managing stress.
Especially as highly sensitive individuals (HSP), empaths, and lightworkers, we may find ourselves taking on the emotional burdens of others without even realizing it. Asking “is this emotion mine?” was very helpful for me in understanding that sometimes what I was feeling wasn’t mine, and in fact the person in line next to me at the grocery store! It was easy to figure out, once I learned to ask myself this question. because my mood would shift SO drastically, the emotion just simply couldn’t belong to me.
people pleasing
In childhood there can be certain instances in which we learn or are trained to become “people pleasers.” Through conditioning we can learn that our worth is connected to how well we please our parents. When we are constantly rewarded for meeting their expectation, or punished for not, we learn to bend to their needs, rather than meeting our own. We can learn that our value is dependent on their mood.
If we grew up in a strict and/or violent home - approval can become equivalent to safety. In this case we may ‘people please’ as a way to control the situation to manipulate the outcome, in order to create safety.
Sometimes we may feel responsible for other people's feelings and needs, and as a result, neglect our own. I know I have been guilty of every time a friend needs me I show up ASAP to help them regardless of my emotional, mental or even physical bandwidth. If we suffer from low self esteem, lack confidence or fear rejection we may seek the validation of others and eventually can lose ourselves in the quest for others’ love and appreciation.
Have you ever said “yes” to something you absolutely WISHED you said ‘no’ too? Could you feel your life force start to drain because you knew you overextended yourself again? Have you ever hung out with someone who energetically just took everything out of you and gave nothing back, and by the time you got home you needed a nap?
how to set boundaries
Setting boundaries is not about being selfish or uncaring; it's about recognizing our own needs and communicating them to others. It's about taking responsibility for our own emotions and wellbeing, rather than expecting others to do it for us. If we keep giving and asking nothing in return, a person has no reason to cut themself off from the endless supply you’re giving them. This happens often in relationships between a narcissist and an empath and we we refer to these people as ‘energy vampires.’
Boundaries can be as simple as saying ‘no,’ to setting limits on how much time we spend with people, and who we spend time with. It's important to remember that boundaries are not about controlling others; they are about respecting ourselves and our needs enough to take control of our own lives
In order to properly set boundaries, we must first identify our own needs and priorities. Self-reflection is key here, and so is self respect. We must learn to recognize when we are overextending ourselves and when it's time to take a step back. This can be difficult, especially if we have been conditioned to prioritize others over ourselves, but it's a necessary step towards self-care and wellbeing.
Communicating our boundaries can also be challenging, but remember! this is not about being confrontation- it's about being clear with our truth and assertive in our communication. We can communicate our boundaries with kindness and respect, while still being firm in our needs.
Setting healthy boundaries is a beautiful and necessary type of self care - we are creating space for ourselves, our needs, which blossoms into our growth and evolution. When we allow ourselves to prioritize our own needs, we become more resilient in the face of life's challenges. We also create healthier relationships, based on mutual respect and understanding.
When we create boundaries we benefit everyone around us. We are being more true to ourselves and more authentic, which is deepening our integrity and the quality of our relationships with those around us because we are living in our truth!
Like life, setting boundaries is a constant thing, it spirals around with us as we learn lessons and grow. Because of that we may have to revisit boundaries with certain people, but we can rest assured that those who love us and want a relationship with us will honor our boundaries.
Remember: ‘No.’ is a complete sentence! You are allowed to take up space in the world. Your needs are just as important as those around you. You are here for a reason and the universe needs you <3
