the four selves

Or as I call them - the Four Jess’s.

I came up with this concept deep in meditation and reflection with the BioCybernaut Institute in Sedona. Here, they measure your brain waves and teach you how to get into alpha state in order to do deep internal work on your subconscious; you can access deep subconscious healing with forgiveness and compassion through finding truths, previously hidden.

Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.

- Dr. Carl Jung

Something that we all know - forgiveness can be really hard. In my time of reflection and solitude in a dark room in Sedona - it occurred to me why forgiveness can be so difficult.

The answer I found is: because we are made up of different versions of ourself - so there are different people inside you that have to be in agreement in order to give permission to fully forgive.

Now, I’ve already written some blogs on forgiveness - you can find one here. However, this is a brand new concept, an evolved method of forgiveness, if you will.

Say you were hurt when you were really small, which may have made you sad, or feel powerless or hopeless.

Perhaps you were angry and vengeful as a teenager.

Now, because some time has passed, you can look back on it logically without getting too triggered (although you still might get a little triggered.) Compassionate thoughts like “they were doing their best with the information they had,” may float around in your awareness.

Perhaps in 40 years you can look back on it and be completely at peace with it.

These are the Four Selves - these selves not only have to feel the feelings, but have to allow external expression of them in order to approve Full Forgiveness. Let me explain:

The little self

The little self is most likely the one that got hurt. How you got hurt will vary from person to person. Maybe you weren’t physically cared for, maybe you weren’t emotionally cared for, maybe you weren’t mentally cared for, and maybe your life circumstances didn’t provide safety or stability to feel cared for.

This makes the Little Self sad; feelings of despair arise, feelings of ‘I’m not worthy,’ ‘I’m not loveable,’ will come up here. Feelings of ‘I’m unsafe,’ ‘I don’t belong,’ can arise here. Feelings of shame can arise here because ‘If I was good enough this wouldn’t have happened to me.’

Sound familiar?

There can be no forgiveness without acknowledging and fully feeling the emotions.

Why?

Because your heart and your head have two different consciousnesses. Logically reasoning something in your head doesn’t access your emotions or allow you to feel in your heart, and forgiveness is a feeling, not a thought.

Let’s allow the little self to be sad, to cry, to yell, to sob, to despair, to deeply feel the feelings of sadness, AND to allow those feelings to become unstuck in our body and be expressed.

So, we emote and express the emotion; after all emotions are energy in motion, and we feel things to heal them. This is the opposite of shoving things down, compartmentalizing, and ‘I’ll deal with that later,’ mindsets. We are pulling these emotions out of being stuck in our body to be processed, live their entire life span (beginning, climax, resolution) and therefore actualized and finally released.

the teenage self

Because the Little Self cannot protect itself, our Teenage Self avenges the Little Self. It has to, because now, it can! The Teenage Self is smarter, bigger and physically stronger than the Little Self. The Teenage Self has access to more resources, coping skills, concepts, wisdom, friends, therapists, counselors.

So, outwardly - we might rebel, we might steal, smoke, drink, yell; or inwardly - we get depressed and implode on ourselves, self harm, become introverted, stay away from people, isolate, maybe we take things personally, or out on other people.

This of course will look different to different people. The way we react will always vary based on our environment and personality.

The idea here is the Teenage Self is now protecting the Little Self, and it will do it anyway it can.

So what do we do?

Once again, we allow the emotions. We allow ourselves to fully feel the hatred, resentment, and betrayal. We allow ourselves to feel these emotions as we felt them as a teenager and once again we express them.

To help process this rage we might hit a pillow with a baseball bat, find our nearest Rage Room, listen to angry music to allow the fullest expression of these emotions. We might write letters we never send to those who have harmed them.*

This is cathartic for the Teenage Self.

the current self

Now we are older and wiser, and have the ability to intellectualize concepts: ‘My dad was this way because his dad was this way.’ ‘My parents did the best they could with the resources they had.’ ‘Therapy was taboo when my parents grew up.’ These are enlightening realizations, no doubt, but it still does nothing for our Little Self that was deeply injured and couldn’t protect itself and our Teenage Self that needs someone to answer for the crimes committed against the Little Self.

Time has given us space to heal, but if we don’t allow our Little Self to cry, and our Teenage Self to rage, and both to express this outwardly, the process is incomplete. Mentally understanding an emotional concept does nothing because it’s not on the same wavelength nor does it speak the same language.

Here we must accept the feelings and allow our Little Self and Teenage self to express these emotions without judgment. To allow yourself to hit rock bottom, to fall in a puddle sobbing or howl at the moon.

Now, some of us do not feel like we have certain emotions, or that certain emotions don’t have an affect on them. I’ve met a lot of people who claim they never get angry and yet have uncontrollable sugar addictions. I find whatever emotion you definitely don’t think is a problem - is definitley a problem - and in dialogue with it you can find fertile soil for self inquiry and evolution.

If you have trouble accessing these emotions try my concept on Emotion Hacking:

1. If you can’t access sadness - try watching a sad movie about a dog, trust me you’ll cry.

2. If you can’t access anger - try listening to the angry or angsty music you loved in high school.

3. If you can’t access those old feelings - get a sound healing session with me and we’ll bring them right up to the surface to work on them.

The point of Emotion Hacking is sometimes we have trouble accessing certain emotions, this is normal, so we use an external stimulus (a sad movie or angry music) to pull up resonance in our internal space.

the old self

The Old Self is wise, the Old Self has lived so long and seen everything you have grown through. The Old Self is the version of you who has allowed the Little Self to cry, the Teenage Self to yell, and the Current Self to heal by feeling and responsibly expressing.*

The Old Self is who you needed when you were younger. The Old Self has compassion for all Selves AND all the people involved in the circumstances that resulted in injury. This is because the Old Self is all of your expressions of self and also has a grander perspective having transcended the stormy seas of your youth, your pain and your suffering.

This next part is a Thought Experiment so try this on like you were trying on a T-shirt - if it fits keep it, and if it doesn’t take it off:

Quantum Physics says that the present moment, right now, is the only thing that is technically real. So if we access all Four Selves in the present moment we are Little, Teenage, Current and Old together, united - therefore by feeling all the emotions and allowing the physical expression of those emotions we can find forgiveness because we've received permission from all the Four Selves, because we’ve allowed them to feel, to express, and to be witnessed by all other Selves.

Here we can release the binds and emotions that hold us captive to these past harmful circumstances or people - in this spaciousness of acceptance and surrender, through feeling and healthy expression, and then letting go of expectation.

feel the feelings and then rest in the spaciousness

Once you allow yourself to feel all the feelings you might find there is a sensation of spaciousness, of lightness and freedom. You might have more compassion and true forgiveness because you didn’t try to gloss over your own pain. In accepting our pain and dialoguing with it we deepen our understanding of ourselves, and therefore others.

When we forgive ourselves we can more easily forgive others, when we allow our emotional expression we can sit easier with the emotional expression of others.

~

Try it on and let me know what you think!

~

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing there is a field. I’ll meet you there.”

—Rumi

*Expressing responsibly is important and an internal journey. You don’t have to do it alone and can have a vulnerability buddy. You are allowed to feel angry; just make sure you are being emotionally responsible by not blaming or yelling at others. You are allowed to hit a pillow with a baseball bat - that does not affect anyone else negatively. This is about YOU and your feelings.

paradigm shifts

When clients write to me for a session some of them say 1. I have a lot of trauma to work through and I want to get better and others say 2. I don’t have a lot of trauma, but I still want to get better. My response is always - “trauma” is relative - what is traumatizing to me might not be for you and vice versa. So, there is no need to judge what you perceive as trauma. If something happened to you and it bothered you, but someone else ‘went through something much worse,’ it’s still okay to not be okay with what you went through!

Spiritual bypassing is a term used to define when one’s belief system allows them to ignore or avoid personal issues or facing certain things. For example, if something particularly traumatizing happened to them, instead of processing with friends, working it out, journaling, crying, getting therapy, getting angry (all healthy reactions) they ‘jump’ straight to forgiveness. Now, of course forgiveness is a great thing, HOWEVER, you are a human being with complex thoughts and emotions and it is only natural to go through an entire process to e v e n t u a l l y arrive at forgiveness. Remember it is okay to not be okay, don’t gaslight (lie to) yourself by pretending to be okay when you’re not. That only hurts you in the long run because it delays the healing process.

I try not to speak in absolutes, but I do believe in order to heal something, you must feel it. Feeling pain, talking about your pain, accepting your pain and your process helps the pain to be witnessed and seen. In that exchange of witnessing and surrendering to what you’re experiencing in the present can help it evolve and change. Like the book written by Paulo Coelho, we ARE the Alchemist, turning the things that have happened to us into gold for others. Sometimes I wonder if the ‘bad things’ that happened to me were actually FOR ME - transforming me into a talented tuner!

It is in dialogue with pain that many beautiful things acquire their value. ~ Alain de Bottom

In Biofield Tuning we have a term called “puddling.” Puddling is when we completely and unabashedly allow ourselves to break down, withholding judgement. I remember one time I was supposed to pick up Eileen at the San Diego airport but my boyfriend and I had just broken up and I was in the middle of a good puddle session; I told her what was going on and she excitedly said “Puddle Away!” and I did.

I allowed myself to fully feel the darkness and sadness of what I was experiencing, without shaming myself or my compartmentalizing my emotions and shoving my feelings down. Because of this I was able to go through my process faster, heal quicker and feel more grounded only after a couple weeks - rather than several months! People talk about rock bottom like it’s a bad thing - but I believe that falling without end is worse. Rock bottom is when you finally stop and have an opportunity to stand up again.

In reference to what I find in the field - I prefer to call these situations Paradigm Shifts. They’re not necessarily traumas and it seems incorrect to call them that. Sometimes in childhood I find the birth of a sibling, or in the teenage years perhaps there was a move of houses, schools or even a parent getting a new job. These are not traumas if you enjoyed all of these events! However! They are Paradigm Shifts - life was one way, linear, and now everything moving forward is completely different than it was the day before. Paradigm Shifts are neither good nor bad, they just are.

Because of the self-help work I’ve done on myself since my teenage years, my understanding of the biofield and emotions, and my perspective of the world, when something goes wrong I like to think it happened “in order to strengthen the plot,” of my story. This is to acknowledge what has happened and to also bring some sarcasm and levity to the situation. If you’ve had sessions with me you know I like to invite humor in! I agree that laughter is (one of) the best medicine(s)!

It’s dark because you are trying too hard.
Lightly child, lightly. Learn to do everything lightly.
Yes, feel lightly even though you’re feeling deeply.
Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them.

I was so preposterously serious in those days, such a humorless little prig.
Lightly, lightly – it’s the best advice ever given me.
When it comes to dying even. Nothing ponderous, or portentous, or emphatic.
No rhetoric, no tremolos, no self conscious persona putting on its celebrated imitation of christ or Little Nell.
And of course, no theology, no metaphysics.
Just the fact of dying and the fact of the clear light.

So throw away your baggage and go forward.
There are quicksands all about you, sucking at your feet, trying to suck you down into fear and self-pity and despair.
That’s why you must walk so lightly.
Lightly my darling, on tiptoes and no luggage, not even a sponge bag, completely unencumbered.”
~ Aldous Huxley

Healing isn’t about fixing everything that is wrong with you, it’s about accepting and loving yourself anyways. Regardless of what you went through, regardless of how you handled it, what matters is …

have you grown through what you’ve gone through.

The Dark Night of the Soul

What is the Dark Night of the Soul?

The Dark Night of the Soul generally refers to a period in your life around 27-30 years old (and around 55 ish and 86ish) when Saturn returns to it’s natal placement in your astrological chart. It takes this long because of how far away Saturn is from the sun. Saturn is known as the strict disciplinarian of the zodiac, so when Saturn returns back to his original placement in your natal chart - he’s checking up on you. He wants to know if you’re living the life you’re supposed to - if yes, then great, your Saturn Return will be easy, but if not, you will experience Saturn’s wrath (for your own good) through the Dark Night of the Soul.

The Dark Night of the Soul is when Saturn returns only to witness you not living your life in alignment with your path of who you are and why you came. He will shake you emotionally, physically, emotionally and spiritually until you have no choice but to let go of everything that you’ve been holding onto, in order to make room for your soul’s purpose, your true life path, your destiny.

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. ~ Joseph Campbell

Before I go into my story, please note that what happened to me is mine, not yours :) I am not saying our Dark Night of the Soul will be the same as we are on our own unique path :)

My Dark Night of the Soul (trigger warning: SA)

My Dark Night of the Soul started around 27 years old. I remember it clearly because of how traumatizing it was (*laughs in hindsight). I had never experienced such intense anxiety in my entire life; depression - yes, but constant panic attacks - no. At the time I was living in California and working a lot - around 40-50+ hours at my subtle energy laboratory job, I was going through Yoga Teacher Training at Corepower, and I was learning Pranic Healing and Biofield Tuning all at the same time. It was a time of great mental expansion, busyness but complete overwhelm and emotional exhaustion.

I was unhappy with my job. Even though the job itself was amazing, there was a lot going on in the background that made me very uncomfortable. I was tired, and between the panic attacks and having trouble sleeping, I kept feeling this constant ‘doom’ on the horizon. I was afraid for the future because I knew I was not showing up for myself, and I knew enough to know that meant trouble. At this moment in my life I was also trying to be raw vegan / vegetarian, which is the opposite of what I should eat based on my Ayurvedic Dosha (Vata) but I did not have this wisdom until later.

There was a very specific chronology of what began to unfold. At the time, on top of everything I was learning, I was also trying to date - because as a Vata, ADHD person, why NOT try to do everything, all at once! I met a man I was interested in, he was very intelligent, charming, and in alignment with my career path. I thought I could trust him, but this was a lie and I was eventually was raped by him.

A few nights later, San Diego was experiencing one of the heaviest thunder, lightening and rainstorms we had in a very long time. I love thunder, lightening and rain so I decided to take a yoga class and stretch while the sky was expressing itself. As I left the studio there were two beautiful golden retrievers that had been left by their (irresponsible) owner to suffer in the storm. Unfortunately, these gorgeous doggos had been outside for at least an hour so they were very scared and super anxious. I could feel their stress in my own body, but I had to walk past them to get to my car, so as I walked by I put my hand up separating them from my body, and one of them jumped up and bit my hand.

When the he bit me, it felt like it hit a nerve and shot all the way up my arm, through my shoulder and into my neck (C1) and the word BETRAYAL screamed loudly in my mind. It wasn’t a bad bite, but because I had just come from a hot yoga class my hand started bleeding everywhere. I went back inside and cleaned off in the sink. Everyone in the yoga studio was super concerned but to me, it wasn’t THAT big of a deal. It wasn’t a bad bite, the dogs were scared because their dad abandoned them in the thunder and rain outside, and they were sharing a message. I shared their message with the owner and went home.

Reflecting on this event later in the evening, the word BETRAYAL resonated so deeply with me, being that I had just undergone an intense betrayal and so had the dogs; we resonated at these nodes and (in my mind) that’s why they felt safe to share this message with me.

A few days later I was in a Biofield Tuning class with Eileen playing with my hair (it helps me focus) and I touched the back of my head... When I tell you the lymph nodes on the bottom back of my head were the size of tennis balls I mean it. I was absolutely terrified. Not wanting to interrupt class and alarm the other students I waited to talk to Eileen and have her assess my head. I had already shared the recent events with her so together we were solving the puzzle as to why this happened and what this was.

My mind was very activate with fear - because I had gotten bit by an animal, a small part of me was afraid it was rabies and I counted that I had 7 days left to live (as rabies in humans is fatal). I also knew that the SA had something to do with it, which deepened my fear. Even though I perceive physical ailments the result of emotional / mental / spiritual things suddenly for the first time in a long time, my body didn’t feel safe, and that was terrifying.

I called my friend Tiffany Barsotti who is my spiritual counselor, medical medium, one of my best friends and the most in-tune people I’ve ever met in my life. I told her everything and over the phone, she tapped into my body and felt “shingles.” I told her there was no way, as I was young - and wasn’t shingles an old person’s disease??

A few days later I went to my Naturopath and got a blood test and, low and behold, Tiffany was right- it was shingles. A little patch had started to form in my neck, and then the pain in my shoulder, neck and face began. The pain was one of the worse pains I’ve ever had in my life, every time I spoke, yawned, sneezed or moved there would be a sharp pain from my shoulder that radiated electrically all the way up into the entire side of my face. It felt like someone was taking a cleaver to my nerve endings. It was awful.

The Naturopath I trusted put me on homeopathic remedies, natural topical pain-relief creams and for the next two weeks I smoked a lot of weed, rested, journaled, meditated, and reflected. I learned that shingles, according to Dr. Louise Hay means, “waiting for the other shoe to drop. Fear and tension, too sensitive.” This resonated deeply with me as I knew I wasn’t living my true path and that I was being called away to a different life but I wasn’t listening.

Saturn was shaking me by the shoulders, and in my weakened state I was finally listening. Saturn had made me let go of everything that I was holding (yoga, work, social life, school) so I could finally hear the song of my soul. I thought about the first trauma, perhaps too easily trusting and lack of boundaries (not victim blaming or gaslighting myself, just considering a different maneuver in the future). I thought about the second trauma with the dog yelling BETRAYAL with that shockwave going up my arm: was I betraying myself? My truth? My path? I thought about the shingles - waiting for the other shoe to drop… If I didn’t leave this life that was no longer serving me, while this other life was pulling my hair, screaming at me to do so, what else was my physical body going to have to go through?

I healed surprisingly fast, or maybe not so surprisingly as all my friends in California are healers of different kinds; they cooked me food, they let me use their energy healing devices, they did distance sessions on me and I was able to heal myself by getting to the root of why this happened in in the first place.

After completely surrendering to this pain and to my Dark Night I was ready to live my most authentic life that was waiting for me on the other side; so I decided to leave my job and travel the world.

Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love. It will not lead you astray. ~ Rumi

I started in Bali with my best friend Laura with no plan and I ended up traveling for 9 months. Through synchronicity I met my best friend David in Bali, with whom I adventured with throughout the entire island. I went to Borneo because as a child I was obsessed with Duck Tales (Duck Tales fans understand).

I went to India and worked the International Yoga Festival in Rishikesh and while living there I urban explored the Beatles Ashram (#lifegoal) and later found another best friend, Leah. Together, Leah and I went to one of the first Hindu temples for sunrise and the Taj Mahal together.

I left India for Nepal also by synchronicity (Read my Everest Blog here) and solo Hiked Mount Everest for my 30th birthday (#soulactivation) and fell in love in Pokhara, a lakeside village. After Nepal, I went to live in Ireland with Gillian, a best friend I had met through synchronicity on the plane to Nepal.

I traveled to Switzerland teaching Biofield Tuning and then to Spain with the other friends I made along the way (through synchronicity of course). I went cliff jumping and island hopping in Croatia, visited the small beaches of Bosnia Herzegovina and ate my way through Italy.

The dark night of the soul comes just before revelation. When everything is lost, and all seems darkness, then comes the new life and all that is needed. ~ Joseph Campbell

It was the most magical trip of my life and the best thing I’ve ever done for myself (besides doing Ayahuasca in Peru). Before I left, the only countries planned were Bali, Malaysia and India; the rest I left up to the universe. On this trip I lost myself, I found myself, I discovered and uncovered aspects of myself that I could only find by being alone with myself. I became braver, more curious, my intuition expanded, my heart and international family grew. The world became smaller and more friendly as I walked around it.

The moral of this story is - live your life the way YOU want to. No one else knows your path except you. If something is calling to you, it’s calling to you for a reason. If there is something that you’ve always wanted to do, do it! There is no time like the present.

Listen to your inner voice and follow your heart.