Do you even Jhana, bro?
I just emerged from a 7 day Jhana Meditation retreat in Northern, California and it was delicious!
I have always had a deep desire to do a meditation retreat but have heard a fair share of horror stories about sitting still for 10 hours a day with no movement or journaling allowed - yikes! These stories have unfortunately really kept me from meditation retreats and also made me judge my own practice.
There are so many expectations you hear about meditation: you must sit still, you must focus, you must concentrate, you must do it for 30m at least, you must do it every day. For an Eastern Practice it has always felt oddly Western in its rigidity. I have never considered myself a great meditator because I have trouble sitting still, figit constantly, prefer movement in my meditation and feel most ‘connected’ to myself, the world around me and the universe when I’m on a difficult hike to a rocky summit.
I have known that I can access heightened states of consciousness and awareness due to my lifetime awareness of being a natural born intuitive and empath; and all the body / energy awareness it brings; and through my energetic & sound healing practice of 15 years. I never had words for these heightened states and would call them just that - “heightened states of consciousness,” “altered states,” being “blissed out,” or “in flow.”
As it turns out, these are Jhanic states: Jhana is defined as a meditative state of profound stillness and ’collectedness’ in which the mind becomes fully immersed and absorbed.
Like other epic crossovers (i.e. rap music falling in love with country and vice versa) I find it beautiful that the engineers and tech guys of Silicon Valley have hacked meditation using Left Brain techniques and skills. The facilitators at this retreat described it best when they said they “are using Left Brain Techniques to teach Right Brain Concepts.”
Think of it as a drop down menu:
Try to Relax, is it working? If yes, continue, if no, see if you can enjoy. Is enjoying working? If yes, continue, if no, try to observe, and so on and so on. The pillars they taught gave me confidence to ease into the techniques - and my favorite part - if you get distracted just allow the distraction to be part of the experience. ‘Distraction is traction,’ as they say - this is one of the biggest missing pieces for me! You mean I can invite all my thoughts and feelings, colors, songs from high school, bird noises, random dreams, “what am I going to eat later, when is my next hike” thoughts into my meditation?!
And you know what?
It worked! Instead of trying to “quiet my mind,” I opened it up instead. Instead of trying to stop my thoughts or single focus on an object, i loved every thought, every feeling, every breeze, every birdsong, every murmur of someone talking in the background, any feeling into my awareness and loved it deeply. I started to see my distracted thoughts as a little kid running into a house and interrupting a conversation - the kid is just excited to share - he deserves love and attention - and the more he gets it the more he goes back outside to play. When you try to “stop” your thoughts you are literally putting resistance up, and not surprisingly getting resistance in return.
I like to explain the Jhana’s through my hiking analogy as that was the epiphany that I had that I realized I’ve been doing them my whole life. Maybe this will help you connect to your own pathway to the Jhanas:
For me, Jhana 1 is like being on a hike and seeing the top of the mountain I am going to summit: there is ecstatic, excitement, high levels of vibration and energy flowing through my body, almost as if I want to wiggle out of my skin, the defined area of my body begins to dissolve and become one with the atmosphere.
~ Important note I also realize this is why people don’t like hiking with me haha!! I get into these rapturous states and they’re questioning why are we friends ~
Jhana 2 is like summing the mountain: the euphoria starts to dissolve into a softer happiness, a gratitude for my body that I did it, a contentment, a non-egoic sense of accomplishment.
Jhana 3 is after I summit a mountain I send energy to everyone I love. I call it the Care Bear Stare and if you know me personally or watched the 80’s cartoon The Care Bears, you know exactly what I’m talking about. I send love and appreciation to all my friends all over the world, everyone I’ve ever met and even people i used to know. This is my way of offering friendliness and appreciation to everyone that has journeyed with me in this life.
Jhana 4 is either a) the hike down the mountain or b) when I am in bed later holding the deepest gratitude in all of the cells of my body. The most peaceful state of returning, of relaxing.
Grant, one of my meditation facilitators invited me to dive a bit deeper into Jhana 4 so later that night I did and at first it smelled like dead leaves in a forest if it had rained yesterday, the deepest most beautiful sweet delicious and dead leaves earth smell. I felt my body sink into the earth like I was being buried, but in a gentle and sweet sense - my body was returning to the earth. I felt cozy, held by the dirt around me, I felt as if my body and energy was being recycled for something new and then immediately the visual changed to spring and little buds and flowers and moss started growing on the top of the earth over me and I felt complete - that I had completed this natural and sacred cycle.
Later I journeyed with another amazing facilitator - Judah - and in writing about my experience it accidentally turned itself into a poem:
Luminous light with effervescent sparkles
Grounded dissolving bones into the earth
Shallow breaths deepen, pumping diaphragm to ignite the spark of the Solar Plexus
Light where there was darkness
Play tension like a guitar string, a song is possible
When you are powerful you don’t need bad patterns to make you bigger than others
Fractal flowers spiral into dresses with invitation to
A dance hosted in a nighttime canopy of planets and stars
Infinity folds back on itself
What is the experience?
What is experience?
Anything I try to hold slips immediately from my mind, off the shelf and into the void
There is only now
Here
And right now
There is only everything all at once at any time
Inside of nothing cradles everything
Everything turns to nothing
Stephen, another facilitator, had mentioned how when you read a poem the first time it’s lovely but after you figure out these jhanic states it’s like an instructional manual and I couldn’t agree more!
Overall, my deepest realization was that I meditate best when I am not trying to, and that is my playful and curious door into the Jhanas, meditative states, heightened consciousness, altered awareness and being blissed out.
~
So, if you are like me and have struggled with meditating or the idea of meditating - let’s begin together! Here are some helpful hints and phrases from retreat I find invaluable:
What are you curious about in your experience right now?
What needs to be acknowledged?
Can you relax, enjoy and observe?
Can you forgive yourself for not understanding.
Nothing exists in our experience independent of how we relate to it.
Can you let yourself be overwhelmed by your experience?
If you’re interested in learning more: I found the retreat to be delightful, the facilitators fantastic. Thanks to Stephen, Judah, Grant, Owen & Jack
Iboga: Death & Dying Pt 2
Read iboga: death & dying pt 1 here
Returning to life
When I was coming out of the experience 36 hours later, I heard Jason (my boyfriend in the next room) crying and ‘knew’ it was because I had died; I was upset because I ‘knew’ he had to call my parents and tell them I was dead and I ‘knew’ they would be devastated.
I was feeling horrible physically which deepened the idea that I was dead and when I told the medical staff they gave me concerned looks. Naturally I became even more convinced I was deceased. Jason came into the room asking for a hug and I ‘knew’ it was because he wanted to see me one last time before my body was taken away.
When Jason came into the room he hugged me and it felt like life itself. He suggested we sit outside in the sunshine and once I was finally able to get up, we sat outside. My experience tumbled out of my mouth in discoherent fragments and I told him how much of a failure I was, I didn’t deserve him, everything was my fault and I asked him if he called my parents - to my surprise he laughed and asked to clarify what the heck I was talking about - I continued almost drunkenly: “but I’m dead and someone needs to tell my parents.” He assured me I was not dead and in fact, very much alive as I had been reborn through this process. You can only imagine the relief I felt!
We sat in the bright afternoon light of springtime in Portugal looking at the yellow flowers that reached and stretched out into the field in front of us. We talked, connected, shared insights and vulnerability, cuddled and loved one another without any resistance, hesitation or expectation. The love I felt in these moments exceeds any love I’ve ever felt in my life. It was love in the form of life after death; the most alive and vibrant love I’ve ever experienced.
A day or two later we did 5MeO-DMT which is a very powerful psychedelic to complete the circle of the ceremony and it was the most beautiful DMT experience I have ever had: I inhaled the medicine and a whole universe of experiences tumbled out of my mouth as I exhaled, and my body relaxed down to the ground. I began to stretch, and the further I stretched the better it felt, I stretched so big that to this day I believe I’m an inch taller!
I laughed with the purity, effervescence and unencumberedness of a child’s laugh: a laugh free from the wisdom and pain of life’s experiences. I sobbed and the sobbing felt just as good or better than the laughter: it felt like I was releasing the deepest sadness that had occupied my internal organs and dwelled in my DNA. I laughed and cried for myself, my family, my friends, and my ancestors, I laughed and cried for everyone I knew, and then everyone who had ever been known.
It felt delicious to allow it to come out, to be expressed, to be witnessed, and to be healed.
the healing process
The healing process continued with similar intensity and took another full week. I was exhausted and felt like a raw nerve walking around; my nervous system felt fried, lights were too bright, any sounds were too loud, people were way to people-y.
I felt like something immortal had just been demoted to mortality. I found it difficult to interact with my fellow humans. I had just been in hell - it was hard to relate.
During my healing process in this heavy drug-like, dream-like state, I found out that one of my closest friends died. Tiffany Barsotti was my mentor, medical intuitive, spiritual counselor, roommate, co-worker in the realm of biofield and subtle energy sciences and a light in the life of myself and anyone who was lucky enough to know her.
It felt physically unbelievable: because I was feeling dead, it was impossible that Tif and I were both dead. Leaning into to the drug like dream-like state I felt like I was in the ‘woods between worlds’ I was transitioning from death to life and she was passing by going the opposite direction. In this nebulous space in between time I reached out to Tif, I felt her presence and energy. She visited, energetically hugged me tightly and assured me that I was not dead and would continue to live; and she shared that she was on the most incredible adventure through her passing. As I continue to edit this blog months later, she visits me often in meditation and dreams and I am forever blessed with the memories I have with her, and in heightened states of awareness when I feel her sitting next to me and jokingly pointing out a pattern of mine I was previously unaware of.
Being in this state of in between life and death felt oddly synchronous because I felt she was near me in this state where nothing and everything was simultaneously real; where everything was impossible and possible at the same time.
waking up into my aliveness
Now that I have fully come back from this experience I feel AMAZING. When I speak, my statements feel more authentic to my truth and my soul. My listening to understand has improved, my desire to connect and understand others has deepened. It feels like the back of my brain woke up.
I am inspired to live deeper, I feel healthy, vibrant and alive. I feel centered in myself, aligned in my soul and grounded in my path, purpose, and mission.
I am so grateful for my courage to work with this plant medicine; I am grateful for this Hero’s Journey through this spiritual ceremony and deep healing process with Iboga.
In this space I realized that grief is a gift and that sitting with grief allows the sadness to become sacred.
Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.
―Jamie Anderson
~
I hope you enjoyed my personal journey with Iboga. If you have any questions about it I would love to connect with you. Once again, it’s important to select a good center with a medical team if you decide to take this journey! It’s hard, but worth it!
Please enjoy my Free Grief Sound Healing Session inspired by Tiffany’s love and light by clicking here.
~
This blog is dedicated to and in honor of the life, the light, the love and the work of Rev. Tiffany Barsotti M.Th, PhD.
Please consider donating to her fund here to continue her work and legacy to advance the field of biofield sciences, and increase collaborations that foster connections between healing practitioners and scientists.
self-inquiry e-book
Hi friends!
I am a life-long learner, a constant student and a seeker of truths - internal and external.
I sit in dialogue with myself, I meditate, I reflect on how I act, what I say, how I make others feel. There is a constant self-inquiry that goes on in my mind.
I created a free Self Inquiry E-Book to help jump start your journey to Self Inquiry and here I thought I would list some prompt questions to inspire threads of thought and streams of consciousness.
Creative questions
Is this emotion mine?
Where do I feel this emotion in my body? What color is it?
I get so _________________ when I__________ / __________ because it reminds me of ___________ and I feel _______________
If I let go of this story, how would I feel?
Do I benefit from this story?
If you’re having trouble making a decision in the moment, is it possible that’s not the moment to make the decision?
If I wasn’t me, how would life or ________ feel and how would situations / circumstances change?
If I wasn’t so ________________ I would be able to _______________ because I ___________
Did that person mean to do that to me? Or were they just meeting their own needs and I was a casualty?
Helpful Questions during Hard & triggered Times
What makes you say / think that?
Can you help me understand why you feel that way?
Do you want advice or for me just to listen?
I am hurt and feeling triggered and I need some space to process.
What exactly triggered this emotional response?"
Is my reaction proportional to the situation?
What past experiences might be contributing to this reaction?
Am I interpreting the situation accurately, or is my perception distorted by past experiences?
What are the underlying emotions I'm feeling right now?
What do I need in this moment to feel safe and supported?
Can I communicate my feelings and needs calmly and assertively?
Am I willing to listen and understand the other person's perspective?
What boundaries do I need to set to protect my emotional well-being?
Is there a healthy way to address this trigger and move forward?
self discovery prompts
What are my values?
What are my strengths and weaknesses?
Do the beliefs I hold, hold me back from exploring further?
Are my actions in alignment with my goals?
What do I think of myself?
How do I contribute to life / relationships etc?
What gives me purpose and meaning?
Am I present in my life?
What is holding me back?
What am I afraid of?
What am I grateful for?
Do I meet my own needs?
How do I express myself?
What do I want to learn next?
Who do I want to become? What steps am I taking to become that person?
Musings
Remember:
You are exactly where you need to be
What you’re feeling is real
All your feelings are valid
If you are too ‘certain’ about the person you are right now you could be destroying the person you’re supposed to be
You can’t consider the end of something when you’ve barely just begun
Whatever is happening to you is a direct result of your internal environment
Times you are afraid is the exact time you can be brave
Your brain is trying to help you survive - not make you happy!
~
thank you for reading
I hope you enjoyed these questions and got a lot of insight out of them!
I would love to hear from you! Please share your feedback in comments, shares, or likes and let me know what you thought of my Free Self-Inquiry E-Book!
Sending you much love & in gratitude
xoxox
Jess
The Dark Night of the Soul
What is the Dark Night of the Soul?
The Dark Night of the Soul generally refers to a period in your life around 27-30 years old (and around 55 ish and 86ish) when Saturn returns to it’s natal placement in your astrological chart. It takes this long because of how far away Saturn is from the sun. Saturn is known as the strict disciplinarian of the zodiac, so when Saturn returns back to his original placement in your natal chart - he’s checking up on you. He wants to know if you’re living the life you’re supposed to - if yes, then great, your Saturn Return will be easy, but if not, you will experience Saturn’s wrath (for your own good) through the Dark Night of the Soul.
The Dark Night of the Soul is when Saturn returns only to witness you not living your life in alignment with your path of who you are and why you came. He will shake you emotionally, physically, emotionally and spiritually until you have no choice but to let go of everything that you’ve been holding onto, in order to make room for your soul’s purpose, your true life path, your destiny.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. ~ Joseph Campbell
Before I go into my story, please note that what happened to me is mine, not yours :) I am not saying our Dark Night of the Soul will be the same as we are on our own unique path :)
My Dark Night of the Soul (trigger warning: SA)
My Dark Night of the Soul started around 27 years old. I remember it clearly because of how traumatizing it was (*laughs in hindsight). I had never experienced such intense anxiety in my entire life; depression - yes, but constant panic attacks - no. At the time I was living in California and working a lot - around 40-50+ hours at my subtle energy laboratory job, I was going through Yoga Teacher Training at Corepower, and I was learning Pranic Healing and Biofield Tuning all at the same time. It was a time of great mental expansion, busyness but complete overwhelm and emotional exhaustion.
I was unhappy with my job. Even though the job itself was amazing, there was a lot going on in the background that made me very uncomfortable. I was tired, and between the panic attacks and having trouble sleeping, I kept feeling this constant ‘doom’ on the horizon. I was afraid for the future because I knew I was not showing up for myself, and I knew enough to know that meant trouble. At this moment in my life I was also trying to be raw vegan / vegetarian, which is the opposite of what I should eat based on my Ayurvedic Dosha (Vata) but I did not have this wisdom until later.
There was a very specific chronology of what began to unfold. At the time, on top of everything I was learning, I was also trying to date - because as a Vata, ADHD person, why NOT try to do everything, all at once! I met a man I was interested in, he was very intelligent, charming, and in alignment with my career path. I thought I could trust him, but this was a lie and I was eventually was raped by him.
A few nights later, San Diego was experiencing one of the heaviest thunder, lightening and rainstorms we had in a very long time. I love thunder, lightening and rain so I decided to take a yoga class and stretch while the sky was expressing itself. As I left the studio there were two beautiful golden retrievers that had been left by their (irresponsible) owner to suffer in the storm. Unfortunately, these gorgeous doggos had been outside for at least an hour so they were very scared and super anxious. I could feel their stress in my own body, but I had to walk past them to get to my car, so as I walked by I put my hand up separating them from my body, and one of them jumped up and bit my hand.
When the he bit me, it felt like it hit a nerve and shot all the way up my arm, through my shoulder and into my neck (C1) and the word BETRAYAL screamed loudly in my mind. It wasn’t a bad bite, but because I had just come from a hot yoga class my hand started bleeding everywhere. I went back inside and cleaned off in the sink. Everyone in the yoga studio was super concerned but to me, it wasn’t THAT big of a deal. It wasn’t a bad bite, the dogs were scared because their dad abandoned them in the thunder and rain outside, and they were sharing a message. I shared their message with the owner and went home.
Reflecting on this event later in the evening, the word BETRAYAL resonated so deeply with me, being that I had just undergone an intense betrayal and so had the dogs; we resonated at these nodes and (in my mind) that’s why they felt safe to share this message with me.
A few days later I was in a Biofield Tuning class with Eileen playing with my hair (it helps me focus) and I touched the back of my head... When I tell you the lymph nodes on the bottom back of my head were the size of tennis balls I mean it. I was absolutely terrified. Not wanting to interrupt class and alarm the other students I waited to talk to Eileen and have her assess my head. I had already shared the recent events with her so together we were solving the puzzle as to why this happened and what this was.
My mind was very activate with fear - because I had gotten bit by an animal, a small part of me was afraid it was rabies and I counted that I had 7 days left to live (as rabies in humans is fatal). I also knew that the SA had something to do with it, which deepened my fear. Even though I perceive physical ailments the result of emotional / mental / spiritual things suddenly for the first time in a long time, my body didn’t feel safe, and that was terrifying.
I called my friend Tiffany Barsotti who is my spiritual counselor, medical medium, one of my best friends and the most in-tune people I’ve ever met in my life. I told her everything and over the phone, she tapped into my body and felt “shingles.” I told her there was no way, as I was young - and wasn’t shingles an old person’s disease??
A few days later I went to my Naturopath and got a blood test and, low and behold, Tiffany was right- it was shingles. A little patch had started to form in my neck, and then the pain in my shoulder, neck and face began. The pain was one of the worse pains I’ve ever had in my life, every time I spoke, yawned, sneezed or moved there would be a sharp pain from my shoulder that radiated electrically all the way up into the entire side of my face. It felt like someone was taking a cleaver to my nerve endings. It was awful.
The Naturopath I trusted put me on homeopathic remedies, natural topical pain-relief creams and for the next two weeks I smoked a lot of weed, rested, journaled, meditated, and reflected. I learned that shingles, according to Dr. Louise Hay means, “waiting for the other shoe to drop. Fear and tension, too sensitive.” This resonated deeply with me as I knew I wasn’t living my true path and that I was being called away to a different life but I wasn’t listening.
Saturn was shaking me by the shoulders, and in my weakened state I was finally listening. Saturn had made me let go of everything that I was holding (yoga, work, social life, school) so I could finally hear the song of my soul. I thought about the first trauma, perhaps too easily trusting and lack of boundaries (not victim blaming or gaslighting myself, just considering a different maneuver in the future). I thought about the second trauma with the dog yelling BETRAYAL with that shockwave going up my arm: was I betraying myself? My truth? My path? I thought about the shingles - waiting for the other shoe to drop… If I didn’t leave this life that was no longer serving me, while this other life was pulling my hair, screaming at me to do so, what else was my physical body going to have to go through?
I healed surprisingly fast, or maybe not so surprisingly as all my friends in California are healers of different kinds; they cooked me food, they let me use their energy healing devices, they did distance sessions on me and I was able to heal myself by getting to the root of why this happened in in the first place.
After completely surrendering to this pain and to my Dark Night I was ready to live my most authentic life that was waiting for me on the other side; so I decided to leave my job and travel the world.
Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love. It will not lead you astray. ~ Rumi
I started in Bali with my best friend Laura with no plan and I ended up traveling for 9 months. Through synchronicity I met my best friend David in Bali, with whom I adventured with throughout the entire island. I went to Borneo because as a child I was obsessed with Duck Tales (Duck Tales fans understand).
I went to India and worked the International Yoga Festival in Rishikesh and while living there I urban explored the Beatles Ashram (#lifegoal) and later found another best friend, Leah. Together, Leah and I went to one of the first Hindu temples for sunrise and the Taj Mahal together.
I left India for Nepal also by synchronicity (Read my Everest Blog here) and solo Hiked Mount Everest for my 30th birthday (#soulactivation) and fell in love in Pokhara, a lakeside village. After Nepal, I went to live in Ireland with Gillian, a best friend I had met through synchronicity on the plane to Nepal.
I traveled to Switzerland teaching Biofield Tuning and then to Spain with the other friends I made along the way (through synchronicity of course). I went cliff jumping and island hopping in Croatia, visited the small beaches of Bosnia Herzegovina and ate my way through Italy.
The dark night of the soul comes just before revelation. When everything is lost, and all seems darkness, then comes the new life and all that is needed. ~ Joseph Campbell
It was the most magical trip of my life and the best thing I’ve ever done for myself (besides doing Ayahuasca in Peru). Before I left, the only countries planned were Bali, Malaysia and India; the rest I left up to the universe. On this trip I lost myself, I found myself, I discovered and uncovered aspects of myself that I could only find by being alone with myself. I became braver, more curious, my intuition expanded, my heart and international family grew. The world became smaller and more friendly as I walked around it.
The moral of this story is - live your life the way YOU want to. No one else knows your path except you. If something is calling to you, it’s calling to you for a reason. If there is something that you’ve always wanted to do, do it! There is no time like the present.
Listen to your inner voice and follow your heart.
