The Earth Laughs in Flowers

The earth laughs in flowers is my favorite quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson, which will make sense later in this blog.

Where did yoga come from? Who was the first yogi? Who was the first guru? If you look closely at the origins of the asanas, you can see: they come from nature. Tadasana rises from the mountain. Malasana crouches with the frog. The people who came before us lived with a profound connection to nature - they knew they were part of it, not separate. Through yoga asana and study, we can slowly uncover a deep truth:

We do not see the world as it is.

We see the world as we are.

Through extending compassion - first to ourselves, then to others - we close the gap between ourselves and the world around us. We find unity where there was once separation.

When you stand in Mountain Pose, do you feel strong? Do you realize it is you who decides whether you feel strong? When you curl into Child’s Pose, do you feel safe? Where does that safety come from?

If you don’t feel strong or safe today - can you be gentle with yourself? Can you create spaciousness inside you, the same kind of spaciousness you would offer a loved one in pain? Can you be open to the idea you might feel safe or strong one day? Can you laugh at life and all its absurdities?

Do you believe in magic and all it’s possibilities; or do you feel safer in the mundane?

Do you realize it is you who creates your life — thought by thought, action by action?

What kind of life do you want to build?

If you feel like you’re not moving fast enough, not achieving enough, not “enough” enough — can you soften? Can you remember that your path will always look different than everyone else’s - because it’s yours, and no one else’s? Can you find laughter and levity in the fact that nothing is actually serious? I mean, truly, we all die at the end?

It’s dark because you are trying too hard. Lightly child, lightly. Learn to do everything lightly. Yes, feel lightly even though you’re feeling deeply. Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them. I was so preposterously serious in those days… Lightly, lightly – it’s the best advice ever given me…So throw away your baggage and go forward. There are quicksands all about you, sucking at your feet, trying to suck you down into fear and self-pity and despair. That’s why you must walk so lightly. Lightly my darling…

~ Aldous Huxley

I have always believed in magic.

And because of that, my life has always been magical.

There have been pitfalls of depression and despair, yes - dark times that marred my path and threw me off track for a while - but I always find my way back. Suffering is a part of life. No mud, no lotus.

Nature is my guide. My intuition is my guide.

And lately, I’ve discovered that rest is my guide.

When I was younger, I tried to do everything fast, only to burn myself out and spend months recovering. Now, I follow the rhythm of nature — which is the rhythm of patience. Through breathwork, sound healing, yoga, and meditation, I find my center when I’m thrown off.

I realign faster than I used to.

I am proud that I am always becoming better than I was yesterday.

It’s easy to believe in magic when you’re young. Anything you couldn’t explain was magic then. It didn’t matter if it was science or a fairy tale. Electricity and elves were both infinitely mysterious and equally possible — elves probably more so.

~ Charles de Lint

When we look to nature, we find opportunities to meet our teachers. Nature was my first and most constant teacher. As a child, I climbed trees, built forts with my brother, played in rivers, and lived inside the endless world of imagination.

Creatures lived in clouds. Forts became castles. Finding blocks of wood in the forest behind my parents’ house felt like discovering golden fishes. We caught snakes, fought dragons, saved princesses. Nature molded my imagination — and, in many ways, it saved my life.

Windows were portals.

The moon was my first prayer.

My heartbeat was the crows singing in the hot, swampy Michigan summers.

I am so grateful for my wild inner child — the one who always dreamed of more, knew more was possible, and never stopped believing that everything, the whole world, was available to her. I still bring her with me everywhere I go — uniting my past wild child with my present grounded wildish, wolfish self.

Yoga means to unite.

And in our yoga sessions, we practice this union — integrating our sun and our moon, our masculine and our feminine, our slowness and our quickness, our meditation and our action. Just as we move through poses, we weave ourselves back into nature.

I took a walk in the woods and came out taller than the trees.

~ Henry David Thoreau

I have backpacked through many states and countries, often solo. People ask me, “Aren’t you afraid, backpacking alone?”

But the answer is always no. In nature, I find a peace I have not found anywhere else. It is the peace I prefer above all else.

People are often afraid of what they don’t know. Non-backpackers think it’s wild to pack up for days and head into the mountains. But backpackers know it’s ecstasy. Non-climbers think it’s insane to cling to a cliff. But climbers know the view from the top - the one no one else will ever see.

I have nothing to fear in nature. And I have nothing to fear in backpacking, rock climbing, or yoga. I used to say, “I can’t do yoga because I’m not flexible.” Now, after 15 years of practice, I’m still not insanely flexible — scoliosis gives me certain natural limitations — but I love yoga more than ever and I always come back to yoga.

Recently, I completed a 100-hour teacher training in Thailand with my beloved Janine. It was a homecoming. A marriage of my breath, my body, my movement — falling in love with the way my body stretches and flows, limitations and all.

The compassion I offer my body creates ripples. It radiates outward — to friends, family, strangers. The more compassion I give, the more I receive.

Compassion is reciprocal.

Compassion is also scientifically proven to be good for us. It frees us from self-absorption and connects us to deeper meaning and purpose. When we act from a heart-centered place, we fear less. We belong more.

In this willingness to touch pain with courage and love, compassion holds the possibility of transforming it.

Animal lovers know that animals are teachers. Rock climbers and backpackers know that mountains are teachers. Present people and divers know that the breath is a teacher. The wisest among us know: everything around us is a teacher. In yoga, we learn from Guru Sakshat — the teacher that is near.

In Savasana, we practice the art of dying to bring the unknown into the known. When we familiarize ourselves with death - with stillness, with the great unknown - we dissolve our fear of it. Just like how hiking mountains makes us less afraid of forests, traveling makes us less afraid of people, climbing makes us less afraid of falling.

Remember no mud no lotus.

Just as the lotus cannot flourish without mud, compassion and wisdom cannot flourish without the fertilizing power of suffering.

In my Wildish Wolfish Way online course, my students speak of meeting parts of themselves they didn’t know, or had locked away, or judged as ‘bad.’ We also uncover why we see the world they way we do and we rediscover our belief in magic - the magic within and the magic without. We begin to dance in the absurdity of the heaviness we’ve been carrying and find it easier to release, to let go, and to let the dance dance us. Through meeting, and accepting these parts they find a union. Through acceptance and uniting, they find compassion.

And through compassion, they find joy. And through joy, they find power… and then peace.

So I leave you with a question:

Do you believe the earth laughs in flowers?

psychedelic soaked stories

I have been a psychonaut since I was in high school and have dabbled in most plant medicines throughout my life. I believe my life has changed for the better by taking these substances due to their capacity to expand the mind; and help you be more open to learning more about your own consciousness and the consciousness in the world around you. Psychedelics make the environment as alive as you are, and they dissolve the ego which is to say the boundaries that keep us separate and in pain.

In February 2024 I finally met Rick Doblin, the creator of MAPS (The Multidisciplinary Approach for Psychedelic Studies) at a conference in Dubai. I have been a fan of him ever since I learned about MAPS in 2014; this cosmic encounter and telling him about my Ketamine experience inspired this blog.

In high school I was dangerously depressed and looking for something, anything, to show me magic in the world. Intuitively I knew magic was real; and being highly sensitive and empathic, knowing the emotions that the people were feeling around me led me to believe there was another field of energy connecting us all. I didn’t have words or descriptions for this back when I was younger, but I do now: I was having an existential crisis and no one around me was equipped to help me navigate these stormy cosmic and psychic waters.

Being so highly sensitive and empathic was good and bad, good in a sense where I was a fantastic listener and therapist to all my friends, which ended up translating perfectly into my now-careers; but bad as I couldn’t decipher what emotions were mine, and what were other peoples’. This lead to a constant cacophony of emotions in my body, and I was overwhelmed, anxious and depressed, wanting to crawl out of my skin most of the time - and not knowing why.

Using marijuana started to quiet all these feelings of ‘other’ and I felt free and unencumbered. Being curious about this feeling of freedom led me to dabble in plant medicines, and some synthetics, and I feel like that has made a huge improvement in my life. I was a normal high school kid dabbling in things I didn’t understand, and to this teenage version of myself I am forever grateful for her bravery; now, I realize the sacredness of the journey that I’m about to embark upon, and prepare appropriately.

Important Note: This blog is of my personal story ONLY, it is in no way to promote the irresponsible use of any of these (illegal) substances. There are many medicinal-therapy-sessions that you can do nowadays under the supervision of a licensed or certified therapist. I recommend you do research and listen to your intuition on what’s right for you. This is NOT medical advice.

Mushrooms and LSD

My first experimentation after marijuana and copious amounts of alcohol to numb the pain in my head and heart, was experimenting with mushrooms and LSD in which I experienced my first spiritual experiences where I saw the grand design behind the universe - it was shaped like the Sri Yantra and the Flower of Life - symbols that became tattoos later in life. Camping in the forests of Michigan, eating mushrooms and dropping acid whilst camping with friends I saw trees breathe, I saw patterns in the sand, and the movement in the actual air of the sky. I realized that awareness is inner AND outer - a sender and receiver in both directions - just as I gazed at the world, the world gazed back. Interestingly enough, I noticed wild animals responded to me in this heightened state of awareness and came close to investigate, curious perhaps that I was vibrating at a different (non-human?) frequency. Dragonflies would not stop flying around while my friend Caitlin and I stood in the river in complete and utter awe of the patterns swirling in and around our feet.

One time ingesting mushrooms, I accidently took my boyfriends dose and he took mine - he was much larger than me (a football player) and his dose was much stronger. As I sat in a chair in a circle of all of my friends their names and faces slowly started to dissolve away and I realized I didn’t know who they were. Suddenly, I noticed that I didn’t know who I was. My name, face, life story, parents all dissolved into what I can only describe as a cosmic soup of general loving awareness. The cats in the room that were previously very chill started kickflipping around the room, responding to this vibrational shift in the atmosphere; it seemed they were almost celebrating our new realizations with us. You would think that this would have been terrifying - but for some reason it was absolutely fine.

I got up to look at myself in the mirror and was so surprised at what I saw: an unfamiliar face looking back. As I looked at Her I was able to see Her for the first time, with no prior thoughts of self hatred, self judgment or self loathing, I didn’t see blemishes or imperfections, I just saw a young girl with insanely dialated pupils, confused and curious staring back. She was so young, she was so pretty.

When I returned to sit down to this person I had never seen before (my boyfriend of 2 years) I knew that I probably wouldn’t have done whatever it was I did with people I didn’t feel safe with or know. This felt like a resonate truth, so I sat back down and continued to explore the room around me. Staring across the room at a famous picture of the Pink Floyd albums painted on girls backs sitting at a pool, they laughed as they swayed back and forth in togetherness, I moved my attention to the Led Zepplin falling angel poster I realized he was dancing in complete rapture and ecstasy and celebration of life.

Suddenly I became the most vibrant visual and physical sensation where I was flying through the sky with nothing else around me except clouds. Up ahead appeared a cliff with the root of a tree sticking out on the cliff side, but under the top, below the surface. I grabbed on to the root and immediately like an tsunami of remembrance, my life flooded back into my brain, my mom’s face came into view and all of my life memories rushed back in. I struggled to catch my breath as I was overcome with a lifetime of love from friends, adventures, and family.

Mushrooms and LSD helped me connect to and remember the grand design and harmony underlying reality by allowing my physical eyes to see it. They helped me reconnect to the beauty of myself without mental commentary and judgement and they helped me remember that I, and WE, are are all so important to the universe, because we are a part of it and it is a part of us.

When we look within ourselves with psilocybin, we discover that we do not have to look outward toward the futile promise of life that circles distant stars in order to still our cosmic loneliness. We should look within; the paths of the heart lead to nearby universes full of life and affection for humanity.
― Terence McKenna

After our journey together we all stood outside and watched the snow come down in Michigan. It was beautiful.

Ayahuasca

I have journeyed with Grandmother Ayahuasca many times in my life but I’d like to share a snippet of the story of my first experience with Her in Peru. This is not the full story, just a piece.

I sat in a circle with other seekers and my best friend in 2014, the sun sat heavily in the horizon as we started to journey and visuals and sensations started to come into our awareness and body. Grandmother Ayahuasca showed me many many things, but for the purpose of this story - she showed all the arguments I had been in throughout my whole life - and she showed me the other person’s perspective.

One of my blind spots throughout my life has been self-righteousness, a pattern gifted to me from my parents. If we fight, I used to think ‘I am right! You are wrong!’ Ayahuasca showed throughout the journey of all these arguments that I may have been right, but based on their life experiences and their journeys, they were also correct, and that there is no such thing as right and wrong, only perspective. Because of how large this blindspot was for me, allowing wisdom and light into one of my deepest and darkest blockages exploded my mind and heart open, I was never the same.

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right doing there is a field.
I'll meet you there.
When the soul lies down in that grass
the world is too full to talk about.”

―Rumi

The day after this happened my best friend Annie and I took a glass ceiling train to Maccu Pichu on my birthday. It was one of the best birthdays I’ve ever had.

DMT

I was hesitant about DMT because of what I heard from others who had taken this massive journey into their mind and deep into the edges of the universe I kept hearing - ‘you are never the same.’ I knew they probably meant in a positive way, but it was still a bit scary. At this point in my life I had journeyed quite a few times into the universe beyond my consciousness so I felt respectfully nervous, but trusted in my gut.

The first time I did DMT I was living in my dream apartment in San Diego. I created a very safe, very cozy nest, I set intentions, lit candles and incense, journaled, was surrounded by pillows and blankets and beautiful things: I was ready. I inhaled 2.5x (I tried for 3 but couldn’t make it) and was immediately transported into outer outer space, from the darkest depths inside my mind. Through the sky, past the stars and planets and galaxies all the way to the end, and then further past that to where reality folded back on itself and the farther I traveled through the universe the closer I got to myself.

At the outer reaches of beyond the imagined universe, I saw faces very similar to what Alex Grey paints - columns made of consciousness all connected with each other, infinitely. I tried speaking with this vibrating consciousness, I can’t call them ‘beings’ because they were all one ‘being’ and they weren’t separate from myself, and we are all one and and and.

I realized communicating with them through words or even thoughts wasn’t the right way, so instead I allowed myself to received from them. What washed over me was this light pink vibration that felt like the juicyest hug and cuddles I have ever received and the truth that love is everything. Love is me, love is you, the world is love; there is nothing in this world that is not love.

Inevitably, the sound of motorcycle on the 5 ended up pulling me out of this beautiful experience - this real life dream. Part of me was sad it was over, it was like death in a sense that you are so held by love and therefore want to return but know its not your time. Part of me was happy I got to see and experience this…. Happening. Part of me wanted more, and if I’m being super duper honest, part of me felt like I wasn’t enough: this is a childhood wound pattern that occasionally plagues me. I felt like I wasn’t “good enough” to experience the wisdom these beings / entities / creatures bestowed on me. This felt super heavy to carry and to hold, but was eventually alleviated.

Ketamine

The first time I did ketamine I was incredibly depressed and thinking of ending things - this was around 27 years old in the classic dark-night-of-the-soul / Saturn Return time. I called my friend Eddie to see if I could come over his house and have him ‘babysit’ me - as I literally didn’t trust myself alone with my suicidal thoughts.

This turned out to be one of the single best decisions I’ve ever made.

I came over and told him honestly and vulnerably what was going on with me and he asked if I wanted to try ketamine.

I assured him ‘no, absolutely not,’ as I felt anything could push me over the edge of the precipice I found myself teetering on.

“Now is the exact moment you need ketamine,” He told me; because he was one of my closest friends I trusted him, believed him and tried it, and he saved my life.

Suddenly, the Soul that is ME or the ‘Self’ pulled away from the avatar personality of the Jess-self and I was able to see that I am not Jess, I am the limitless expansive energy that currently animates this ‘Jess Person,’ AND this ‘Jess Person’ has some sort of physical chemical imbalance that causes super dark depressive episodes, but I am not that self, I am beyond that - beyond all description except for, simply put, I AM.

By the time I came back in my body I was no longer depressed or suicidal. With wide teary eyes and a genuine smile on my face and heart I told Eddie what happened. It felt like it had been months I had gone without smiling it actually felt unfamiliar at first. He had saved me.

Iboga

Iboga was the hardest plant medicine I’ve ever done and it was more recently in 2024. My (now ex) boyfriend, Jason, and I traveled to a farm in Somewhere, Portugal and entrusted our life to this (very vetted) clinic - they monitor your heart the whole time. Iboga is insanely dangerous and does kill people. I do not recommend this as even though my heart was fine, I came out of the 3 days so convinced I was dead I was, in fact, trying to convince other people too.

It seems that people’s journey’s are vastly different. You do not get visuals with Iboga like with Ayahuasca… but then again you sort of do? But they’re different? It’s a bit hard to explain but I‘ll do my best: Ayahuasca is known as the Grandmother Plant Medicine, she’s flowy, feminine, you can talk to her during your journey and she’ll work with you. Ayahuasca can be difficult, but you do feel as though you are held by her throughout. Iboga is a very Saturnian Grandfather, strict and rigid - you feel like you are learning and growing but perhaps through punishment - for me it felt like I was made it sit in ‘time out.’

During my journey and under the influence for 3 days I had to fight a demon to save my brother, which is what broke the wall into the experience. I was in hell walking around, I was suffering a lot, but the through line through all of this was ‘I’m suffering now, and that’s okay.’ ‘I’m in hell now, and that’s okay,’ come to the marrow-deep realization that even if I was in hell now, I probably wouldn’t be later.

I could hear Jason crying in the room next to me and I knew it was because I was dead. Eventually after 3 days there was a knock at the door and the guides came in and said he wanted to talk to me. I asked if it was because I was dead. They gave me a confused and concerned look - which only deepened my inner knowing that I was, in fact, deceased. Jason came in and hugged me, it was one of the best hugs I’ve ever received, through tears and sobbing together I asked him if he had called my parents, to which he responded ‘no, why?’ And I tearfully told him he had to call them and tell them I was dead, and they were gonna be so mad at him but he had to arrange my body to be sent home.

After a lot of back-and-forth-disagreeing-and-convincing he picked me up and brought me outside in the sunshine flower filled meadow of Portugal springtime. We connected so deeply, so vulnerably, so beautifully ending with him asking, through tears “did we just get really lucky?”

The things I learned through this experience are: wherever you are, that’s okay, it’s not your final destination. Life is mostly suffering spotted with insanely gorgeous times when the cosmic sun comes out.

~

I wrote about this in another blog Iboga: Death & Dying because it was such a vast experience that would be too much to share here in my light explanations of my plant medicine ceremonies and adventures.

Bufo

Bufo was one of the most delightful frog medicines I’ve ever done. I inhaled, and as I exhaled, the whole world was created out of my mouth - rivers, lakes, mountains, jungles, flowers, animals. It was incredible as the longer I exhaled, the more I created.

After my initial exhale ended, I started to laugh and my laughter made me laugh harder and I felt like I was laughing from the insides my organs and bone marrow, it was the extreme feeling of inexplicable pleasure like an impossible itch was finally being scratched. I laughed for everything, the sun, the moon, the flowers, laughter itself, joy, being in love, being loved, friendship, sunshine, etc.

After I laughed, I began to cry, and the crying turned to sobbing turned to wailing and it felt literally delicious. The crying made me cry harder and deeper and feel into all the pain, but the pain felt glorious. It felt like life. I wept for myself, my pain, my trauma, my inner child, I wept for my parents, my friends, I wept for my ancestors and finally I wept for the sadness in the world. The more I wept the more clarity I gained and the lighter I felt.

In Conclusion

I’m a supporter of the Stoned Ape Theory: neanderthal man was going around doing neanderthal things until he ate a magic mushroom and suddenly wondered about things outside of himself. I believe in this theory because of how it mirrors my own life. I was curious about consciousness, ate an mushroom, and then I experienced the w i d e n i n g of it and suddenly noticed consciousness being just as curious about me… and I was never the same.

Nature loves courage. You make the commitment and nature will respond to that commitment by removing impossible obstacles. Dream the impossible dream and the world will not grind you under, it will lift you up. This is the trick. This is what all these teachers and philosophers who really counted, who really touched the alchemical gold, this is what they understood. This is the shamanic dance in the waterfall. This is how magic is done. By hurling yourself into the abyss and discovering it’s a feather bed.

— Terence McKenna

Once again this blog is only to share my personal experiences, not to convince or influence in anyway. This is an invitation to do your own research and to make your own choices. People have had very bad trips - and I have had a few of my own that took a long time to heal from. Exploring the recesses of your consciousness is altering, is an opening, and is a commitment. Once you start to go down these rabbit holes you can’t come back. This is not medical advice.

Psychedelics are the red pill. Proceed with caution.

Xoxo

Jess

Travel is easier than you think

I started writing this blog a million years ago because people keep asking me “how do you travel so much.” People were asking 10 years ago and they’re still asking now, and my answer is always the same. “Traveling is easier than you think.”

I grew up near Detroit and loved urban exploring through abandoned buildings, I also grew up on the Great Lakes which are as large as seas and I would stand and stare watching the sun rise on the east coast and set in the west over a different country on one side and a different state on the other. I think this is what began my insatiable urge to see the world, the knowing of the unknown on the other side of the water.

This blog is 2 parts. 1. Travel is easy 2. Listen to your Intuition.

Travel is easy

Step 1: Pick a place you want to go. This might be a place that you’ve always been curious, or seen on TikTok, or feel a pull, or just close your eyes and place your finger on a spinning globe and go there. I’m serious - just pick a location.

Step 2: this is my blog so it will be tips on how I travel - I like to travel in circles to see the maximum amount of places which means I land in Bangkok - I travel through Thailand, Cambodia, Laos, Vietnam, and back down through Thailand to the airport in Bangkok. Or I fly to Ireland and work my way through England, Scotland and France or Spain. Or I fly to Korea and do Japan, Thailand, the Philippines. Just make a circle and maximize your locations. If you don’t want to go to a bunch of places - than don’t do this and just make up your mind. Easy peasy.

Step 3: stay in hostels and maximize the people you meet. The more people you meet, the more you LEARN. You learn about their culture, their food, their country. You learn about cool things they’ve seen that you didn’t know about; you make new friends that you can now visit in other places. Several of my besties are people I met while traveling and we still travel together to this day and meet up in our respective countries.

Step 4: join an online program life WOOfing, Workaway, Worldpackers, Housesitters.com - anything to maximize your stay in a more expensive or exclusive country. The more you work, the more references you have, the wider your reach.

Step 5: now you’ve learned some things 1. Everyone is kind 2. The world is smaller than you think 3. You have friends everywhere.

I am very okay with the unknown, and in fact, prefer it. I have the ability to get to a country with no plan and feel completely at ease because my trust in my intuition and the universe is huge. This might sound naive to tourists, but travelers know that no plan can be the best plan.

Travel is about the gorgeous feeling of teetering in the unknown.

~ Anthony Bourdain

The other side note is I have taught sound healing all over the world for 8 years and have students in every corner of the globe. This definitely gives me a leg up.

Travel tips

1. Learn how to say “hello,” “please,” “thank you,” and “you’re welcome,” in the local language. It goes a looooong way, people are grateful you care enough to consider their language.

2. English is pretty much spoken everywhere, but still considerate (the highest form of love) to learn bits of another language

3. Be polite to everyone.

4. Discuss / haggle money before you get into a taxi / Tuktuk. The price will be way higher if you wait til the end.

5. Share your location with friends you trust.

6. Keep 2 wallets. One that you use and one that you hide.

7. Never let your phone or drink out of your sight.

8. REALLY IMPORTANT - travel with someone who travels like you. If you like to see a million places do NOT travel with a friend who wants to sit on a beach all day. Even though you love each other this will start to bother you both. Ask clarifying questions: what kind of traveler are you? Do you want to see 5 places or happier with 1? Do you want luxury or hostels? Do you want lazy or active? Do you want mountains or beach?

9. Listen to intuition NO MATTER WHAT. It doesn’t matter if someone is really nice, if your gut says no, than it’s a FUCK NO.

These are all tips I learned through experience and I’ve saved the most important tip for a whole section of itself.

Intuition is key

People stare at me blankly when I say I’ve traveled the world by myself. “What do you mean?” They ask.

“I mean I literally have traveled, solo, by myself, to new places, across countries, up mountains, around, the world and back again.” I say.

* Cue a different incredulous stare *

My ‘secret’ is I use, and have always used, my intuition. Your intuition is a muscle, just like all your other senses. The more you use it, the stronger it gets. Something can sound good on paper but in-person the vibes can be completely 100% off. I have solo traveled all over the world and this is my main rule - and probably why I’m still alive - if it doesn’t feel good, DO NOT DO IT.

If that familiar alleyway - the same one you always take home but for some reason it seems scary tonight - YOU ARE RIGHT. IT IS. Trust your gut & pick a new way home.

If a person seems so sweet but there’s something about them you can’t place, set a boundary immediately and see how they react. If they react poorly this isn’t great, make sure friends have locations or walk up to another girl and pretend to know her. Keep yourself safe and in public until you have a safe and accessible out.

Intuition is not just a spiritual thing - your gut is literally alive and made up of billions of bacteria, that I assume, also want to live. If you die, they die. There are many different ‘antennae’ including your nervous system, the sense of being stared at that makes the back of your neck prickle - that all let your mind know you are in danger. LISTEN TO IT.

I have run into some scary situations, and have survived 100% of them. Why? This ones for the girls:

• If you feel threatened, do NOT act like prey: I mean this with my whole heart. It depends on the situation but in my experience: dangerous men are cowards. If you square up to them, they have all backed down.

• And of course disclaimer: this is not one-size-fits-all - if someone is acting violent or scaring you - then of course, find a friend, or a person and make sure you are safe and then leave.

Intuition key points

• One time I was in an alley buying weed during a rainstorm and my poncho was not working with me, I started to get a bad feeling, told my (ex) boyfriend as the guy grabbed my money and ran. My ex chased him down.

• So many times men have come up to me in dark corners of roads or hallways and I make my energy really big and stare at them directly in the eyes - they hate that!

• I’ve been places where my body has not let me walk further into the cave / forest / building. I don’t push it, I trust my intuition with my life - literally.

• Your stomach is called the second brain for a reason (although technically in my opinion its brain #1) your body doesn’t want to die. Your body will send signals to the brain. Listen to them.

If I’m an advocate for anything, it’s to move. As far as you can, as much as you can. Across the ocean, or simply across the river. The extent to which you can walk in someone else’s shoes or at least eat their food, it’s a plus for everybody. Open your mind, get up off the couch, move.”

~ Anthony Bourdain

Go, explore, wander, immerse yourself in other experiences and you will gain so much.

Xoxo

Jess

Tiny travel hacks

I started writing this blog in 2017 when I went to Thailand the first time with an ex-boyfriend. I am finishing this blog in Thailand in 2025 after a break up with my more recent (ex) boyfriend. Funny how things finish full circle, it honestly feels like I’m closing a whole loop of choosing the wrong person over myself, and it’s the Libra Full Moon which is highlighting partnerships vs autonomy… but I digress.

I am a wanderer with an insatiable urge to see the whole world - and therefore I am permanently on the road and have been for many years, this was true in 2017 when I started this blog and it’s even more true now in 2025. I am primarily a backpacker so these are lessons I’ve learned over time regarding backpack weight that I would like to share with you - so you aren't left shaking your fists at the sky wishing you had these tiny things that make life so much easier. Now my style of travel has only changed slightly since 2017 and I am still a backpacker, but if I buy too many things I will buy a small suitcase to bring things home.

For now this is just tiny simple things to make your backpacking adventure way easier. The only thing that matters while backpacking or traveling light is that you are waterproof and your bag doesn’t weigh as much as you do.

Tiny Extras that make your life easier

1. Tiny fabric or plastic bag. Maybe for rocks or earrings or money.

2. Pill bottle. This goes hand in hand with above, if you have precious jewelry you don’t want crunched, this is a perfect thing to bring. I would of course limit the jewelry you bring - you will most likely find things along the way.

3. Woman: Diva Cup! This will make your life infinitely easier. Trust me.

4. Q-tips. Enough said.

5. Ziploc bags of every size!!! Small. medium size (think sandwich bag) and super large size; these are the magical items that waterproof your clothes and separate all of your belongings (including your dirty laundry). The small ones are great for toiletries, so if something spills, like Teatree oil, it is quarantined safely away from everything else! ~ learned from experience ~ The large bags are life savers and act as a vacuum seal.

6. Baby wipes - your new best friend.

7. A large scarf - doubles as beach towel or skirt or mask

8. Super light sun shirt - to wear over a bathing suit or something to allow for the wind if you’re riding scooters or hiking and don’t want to get burned.

9. A dry bag if you’re going somewhere during rainy season or plan on being on a boat

10. A carabiner - you won’t know when you’ll need it until you really need it

11. One nice (simple) outfit! Depending on where you’re going - you’ll probably buy a bunch more but it’s nice to have one.

12. Sandals + boots and something in between!

13. Bring minimal makeup - its not necessary and you can always buy more.

14. Mouthwash!

15. Coconut oil - bring a small bottle of coconut oil for just about anything: used to take off your makeup, as lotion, to ease an irritated skin blemish, for oil pulling etc.

16. Tea Tree oil - fixes almost everything :)

17. Earplugs - if traveling in hostels or overnight trains or buses.

18. Download audio books and movies to access offline. There will be (many) times the internet is not accessible so having some form of entertainment is a must.

Trust me when I say you will only use 1/2 the clothes you bring. Traveling is much easier than you think. I hope you risk it and take the jump and just do it. You will learn so much more about yourself in 3 months of travel than you will in any other circumstance. It breaks you open, it makes you grateful, it makes you flexible and calm and compassionate. You meet people and see things and taste things you’ve never experienced before. It shapes and molds you into a better kinder person who understands that all people are innately good. It has changed, shifted and molded me into the person I am today…. And I am very proud of that person.

Travel isn't always pretty. It isn't always comfortable. Sometimes it hurts, it even breaks your heart. But that's okay. The journey changes you; it should change you.

~ Anthony Bourdain

Xoxo

Jess

The Unstruck Sound

From repetition of and reflection of Om, comes cosmic consciousness, as well as the destruction of physical and mental diseases. PYS 1.29

Let’s begin at the beginning, shall we?

What are my credentials? Well, I have a Bachelor’s Degree in Health Sciences, double minors in Sociology and Biology, a theme in Death and Dying, half of a Master’s Degree in Integral Health and 2 ex-career’s as a medical device trainer and as a research scientist. Why am I telling you all of this? Ironically (or maybe not) all of this science led me to my current career(s). I now have multiple advanced certifications in yoga, breathwork, energy healing, reiki, pranic healing, Biofield tuning, sound healing and Kalos. I attend several 7 day retreats per year on meditation, or yoga, or psychedelics, or healing my brain be more coherent, or working with my inner child. It’s been a long and fascinating road, and today I call myself a metaphysical guide, a master sound healing facilitator (specializing in tuning forks and crystal bowls), a storyteller, a medicine woman, a ritual facilitator, and an embodied movement (yoga) and breath(work) guide. 

Let’s continue:

If you’ve ever taken a yoga class you’ve heard chanting or singing of the word “Aum.” Aum is special and considered the vibration from which all existence arises; it has 3 distinct syllables: Ahh represents creation - the beginning, Uuu represents preservations, the dream state, and Mmmm represents dissolution, the deep sleep state; together they create the entire cycle of existence: birth, life and death. We use this sacred sound, Aum, in yoga to stimulate our connection with ourselves, others, and the universe; to vibrate our throat chakra, the thyroid gland, Udana Vayu (ascending air), Jalandhra Banha (throat lock) and thus harmonize our relationship between heart, breath, and bodymind.

Aum is the bow, the self is the arrow, and Brahman (Sat Chit Ananda = bliss) is the target.”

~ Mundaka Upanishad

Traveling back in time, we learn in 3rd grade science class that everything around us - our body, our brain, the materials our chairs are made of, our loved ones, our phones are all made of the same thing: vibration… AND that we are (incredibly) mostly space, AND our atoms vibrate through that space to influence matter. It could be said that vibration is the building blocks (or waveforms if you prefer) of our universe.

So, we have an intersection between spirituality and science, whereas science agrees that waveforms come first and physical matter originates from vibration (sound) and not only that, but physical matter can be influenced by sound, which we see directly when we study Cymatics or, the shape of sound… but more on that later.

Nada Yoga + Anahata Nada

Nada Yoga, often called the yoga of sound, is a lesser-known but profoundly transformative limb of the yogic path. Rooted in the ancient Vedic traditions, it teaches that the entire cosmos - our bodies, our thoughts, our relationships—is made of sound vibrations, and that by consciously working with sound, we can refine our awareness and attune to higher states of consciousness. While the physical postures (asanas) of yoga are aimed at aligning the body, Nada Yoga aligns our inner vibration with the vibration of the universe itself. It begins with external sound—like mantras, singing bowls, or even classical ragas - but gradually draws us inward to listen for the internal sound current, or nada, which leads to deep meditative absorption. In this practice, sound becomes not only a tool for healing but a vehicle for liberation. Just as the breath leads us into presence in pranayama, in Nada Yoga it is the listening itself that becomes the practice - listening so deeply that even silence hums. When I facilitate sound journeys, I often feel this lineage vibrating through the room -like ancient rivers of tone guiding people back to their essence.

The Anahata Nada, which means the Unstruck Sound, is not something we hear with our ears, instead we feel it on our soul. It’s a vibration that transcends the physical and emanates from the very fabric of creation. Many traditions describe it as the primordial sound of the universe or the echo of source, not unlike AUM. If you recognize “Anahata” you would recognize it as the Sanskrit name of the Heart Chakra which means “unstruck;” the heart center is a bridge from the physical to the spiritual and is the location where the Anahata Nada can be felt, makes sense, right?

In sound healing and vibrational medicine, the concept of Anahata Nada is easily graspable, as we are able to hear the crystal bowls, Tibetan bowls, Koshi chimes and gongs that are struck; but we also feel them inside ourselves- it evokes something within us. It’s almost as if we are cleansing the pathways of listening deeper so that we can hear the Anahata Nada through our feelings sense. We are diving in to ourselves so deeply we come out the other side in the universe… and vice versa. Through the deep listening we develop in our meditation practice we can attune to the Unstruck Sound. In Jivamukti yoga, Nadam, refers to the concept of deep listening and by tuning our awareness in we can increase our sensitivity to perceive the Unstruck Sound within us. The founders of Jivamukti yoga believe that sound is a vehicle of liberation which is why the silence inside of the sound is where Nadam reveals itself. The best experience I can relate this to in my own life is doing Ayahuasca in the jungle of Peru and hearing the Icaros and remembering the song even though I had never heard it before: it was as if my soul remembered the song before I was born.

“Music is the space between the notes"

~ Claude Debussy

Similar to mindfulness practices like yoga, breathwork, meditation and sound therapy - to hear the Unstruck Sound is a coming home to oneself. It’s not chasing anything external but rather unveiling what is already present, inside and innate to us, which is the divine.

I have an interesting tangent that I’ll go off on for a moment - I write a lot of notes to myself to remind me of things when i have time to get back to them. One fateful day in 2014 I found a note that said “songs from the wood.” I didn’t even remember writing this and didn’t recognize this phrase, but it was my own handwriting so i googled it and found that this was an album by Jethro Tull. I listened it and literally couldn’t stop listening to it for a month. I told my mom about this one day on the phone and she said,”

“That is what your dad listening to the whole time I was pregnant with you.”

I was floored. It was almost as if my ears didn’t recognize the music, my soul did.

Science and Sound

I’ve already eluded to cymatics - the shape of sound. Why is this important? Have you watched any of the videos yet and seen physical matter be manipulated by sound? If not please leave this blog for a moment as it will be waiting for you to finish after you watch some YouTube videos.

Now that you’re back: doesn’t it bend the mind and stretch the imagination in curious ways? If sound can manipulate these viscous substances, much like blood and lymph, what can sound do to our physical bodies?

I have 4 tuning forks that are pairs - one pair creates the Schumann Resonance as a binaural beat, and the other creates the Fibbonnaci Sequence. The Schumann Resonance is known as the heart beat of the earth and the Fibonnaci Sequence we know as sacred geometry. Binaural beats can influence different brainwaves states and allow for relaxing deeper, more focus and even altered states of consciousness.

When you listen to music you not only hear the music but you feel things, yes? More than likely you have playlists to influence, change, alter or deepen a mood. The famous Japanese research Dr. Emoto shared his findings with the world in a book called Hidden Messages in Water where he said affirmations and played different music to water, froze the water and took images of the crystals that could / could not form. Water that was told ‘I love you’ and water that listened to classical music formed beautiful crystals, while the water that was told ‘I hate you‘ and listened to extreme heavy metal couldn’t form a crystalline structure. Again I rhetorically ask, what are the implications for our physiology?

What if I told you that sound can create light?

Well it can: Sonoluminescence is the phenomenon where tiny bubbles in liquid emit light when exposed to sound waves… it is postulated that at the peak of the bubble collapse it may turn into plasma (which is electrically charged.) (Google) 

Magic is just science we don’t understand yet.

 – Arthur C. Clarke

Integration

Maybe this quote makes more sense now:

“from repetition of and reflection of Om, comes cosmic consciousness, as well as the destruction of physical and mental diseases.”

Through repetition of refining our hearing, of showing up for ourselves, of have power over our thoughts through meditation, resilience through suffering in life and yoga, listening deeply and falling into our breath; through doing sound healing sessions we can find transcendence beyond the physical and into the cosmic and spiritual. Through suffering we learn and become wiser, more compassionate, more patient. Remember the saying ‘no mud - not lotus.’ We are all growing through our own mucky muck to eventually rise to the surface of our pond blossoming open the illuminated jeweled lotus that we truly are.

The yoga of sound, the unstruck sound, study of sound, the shape of sound, healing with sound, sound creating light… the fact that we’re vibration, it’s intriguingly all about us and the alive world around us, weird, right?

And repetition of vibration, through tuning forms or Aum can unite the different layers of the body “as well as the destruction of physical and mental diseases.”

Teaching sound healing, yoga and breathwork is one of the joys of my life. Helping people regulate their nervous system, find alignment, embodiment, and thus illumination is one of my most consistent and largest blessings. Teaching people the science of sound coming from an academic background in health and physiology, and as a yoga teacher allows me embody my teachings at the various intersections of biology, science and spirituality.

This essay has no answers, just excitement and pure fascination to learn deeper and expand my knowledge on all these topics. Sound creates light, light touches matter, and matter responds with energy. The study of vibration is more than just a fascination… it’s a frontier. The more we learn about it - the more we learn about ourselves. 

Om Mani Padme Hum (Hail to the jewel in the Lotus)

What do I do next?

• Start small and hum or AUM for 5 minutes in the morning or the evening.

• Find a breathwork coach and lets regulate your nervous system!

• Listen to a binaural beat YouTube video with headphones!!

Curious to experience more?

Don’t hesitate to reach out if you’re called to deepen your practice with private sessions!

I hope this blog sparked intrigue in you - it definitely did for me while writing it!

Happy exploring y’all!

Xoxo

Jess

Turning the Wound into Wisdom

How Movement, Breath and Sound can Positively Influence Trauma 

Trauma 

Essentially, everyone we come into contact with is traumatized in some way or another; thankfully people are becoming more aware of trauma and are open to talking about it & how it affects people’s daily lives. Trauma exists on a spectrum and therefore no one’s trauma is better or worse than anyone else’s, because it doesn’t matter what happened- what matters is how your system experienced it. Unprocessed trauma shows up in everyday life by overreacting to small things, feeling numb or disconnected to life, your friends or even your own body; it manifests as chronic tension, self sabotage, perfectionism, trouble with trust, and of course the big two: anxiety and depression. Trauma lays the groundwork for a fractured identity, addiction, self harm, can cause attachment issues, affect development (especially if the trauma happened in childhood,) lead to C-PTSD, the list goes on. If you don’t suffer from these things, I’m sure you know at least 10 people who do, and if you don’t it's because they’re better at hiding it than you are at perceiving it.

Trauma is not only physically stored in our body, it actually changes our brain. Neuroscience shows in a traumatic event the parts of our brain involved in memory formation and time are affected, and as a result perception is distorted. Talk therapy is great (as sometimes our ability to communicate shuts down to trauma) but we know now that isn’t enough because of how it affects the brain AND body. When healing, we have to re-integrate both hemispheres - left (logic analytical) and right (emotional or creative) and we can do this through movement, breath and sound therapy. Walking with arms swinging to create a cross body movement, binaural beats, alternating nostril breathing, chanting and humming, drawing, and dancing can all help integrate the brain and body. 

Somatic therapies are necessary for trauma recovery and trauma-informed yoga, breathwork and sound + energy healing can be fantastic when it comes to healing the body and integrating the hemispheres. Yoga helps reconnect the body-mind in a safe way, breathwork calms the nervous system, dancing can discharge trapped energy, and safe consensual touch can heal attachment wounds. Being in nature and meditation can restore a safe connection to your body and visualization can help with trauma healing due to its potential to create new internal experiences and regulate the nervous system. Listening to sound frequencies that oscillate left and right, humming, toning and chanting can all stimulate the vagus nerve.

The Vagus Nerve

Let’s talk about the Vagus (latin for wandering) Nerve for a bit, as it plays a key role in trauma recovery. The vagus nerve is your only cranial nerve that winds all the way down to your lower torso. I like to think of it like a magical thread inside our body. Vagal tone is measured from the health of the Vagus Nerve: high vagal tone means your body can relax quickly after stress, low vagal tone means it can’t. There are 3 options for Vagal tone: Safe (ventral), Activated (sympathetic) and Freeze (Dorsal Vagal.) When we are safe our magic thread (aka Vagus Nerve) glows white, when it is activated it becomes anxious and red, and when it’s in a freeze response it’s slow and frozen, like the color blue.

Increasing Vagal tone matters because it helps you bounce back quicker from stress, it helps you sleep and digest better, you feel more balanced and connected, and lastly your immune system becomes strong. So how do you build vagal tone? 

Movement

• Yoga Twists

• Cold exposure 

• Massage

• Dancing

Breathwork

• Deep slow breathing with exhales > inhales

• Meditation and mindfulness

• Laughter

Sound

• Humming

• Chanting

• Singing

• Therapeutic Sound Healing Sessions

Not surprisingly, all the things we can do to build Vagal Tone are all things we can do to regulate our nervous system - which is the foundation for integrating and healing trauma. If you’re reading this and you’re like ‘Jess I’ve had a pretty blessed life,” then I would be delighted for you, however, some of the trauma that we store in our body comes from a pre-verbal time. What do I mean by that? Maybe we were left for 5 minutes as a newborn, because our parents had to run to the bathroom… but 5 minutes to a baby is eternity. As a newborn we can’t be mad (we don’t even know what that is yet) at our parents. But as we age into childhood and pre-teen years we remember the feeling of abandonment, but we still can’t be angry with our primary caregivers because without them means certain death. So as we get older we internalize the abandonment and anger we felt towards them and we feel shame: the core emotion in trauma. These Samskaras (impressions from the past) “leave subtle impressions and unconsciously affect our habits, self perceptions, expectations or disposition.”

Creating a Safe Place Through Movement, Breath + Sound

In the safe space created by practicing yoga, doing breathwork and having crystal bowl meditation sessions or tuning fork therapy we often feel emotions unexpectedly arise to the surface - I have lost count the amount of times I have cried on my yoga mat or in crystal bowl sessions. Yoga, Breathwork + Sound and Vibrational medicine is a sacred invitation to re-establish the safe, connected relationship you have with your body and meet yourself exactly where you are at. 

Yoga, breathwork and sound gives an opportunity to rebuild the trust that was broken especially when working with a proficient practitioner. The moment a bad* emotion visits you (like shame or anger) they can gently hold space or even mirror while you process what that emotion is teaching you. With yoga, interoceptive awareness opens up pathways for these Samskaras (secret underlying memories) to be received and processed and released by the mind. With breathwork, we create spaciousness in the nervous system allowing life force to move through and dissolve patterns of tension. With sound healing + vibrational frequencies, we bypass the logic brain and speak directly to the body’s innate intelligence, restoring harmony where dysregulation once took root.

In yoga, we know the hips hide fear, anxiety, sadness, and a lot of sexual trauma; shoulders carry burdens and the weight of the world, and can become rigid when we are unable to let go. The lower back and hamstrings hold guilt, repressed feelings and pain of the past - typically regarding relationships. The knees are joints of ego and pride holding the inability to bend and be flexible. Neck pain is stubbornness and refusing to see the other side of the story. In sound healing we know the feet carry you through life and carry the cadence of your step (is it a trudge or a dance?). The throat is your truth and communication and connecting or bridge to your divinity. Working with the chakras is what helps us understand this world of relationships. Memory can be felt through a pain in the body which can be seen in a chakra and is an indicator to release through movement and intentional breath. Take a breath.

“and i said to my body. 

softly. 

‘i want to be your friend.’ 

it took a long breath. 

and replied 

‘i have been waiting my whole life for this.”

― Nayyirah Waheed

Remember, healing is not about getting rid of the shadow or “getting over it,” or pretending there is no trauma, or trying to escape our reality. We heal the body by integrating all of our experiences and coming home to it. Loving all parts of ourselves and turning the Wound into Wisdom.

As a trauma-informed yoga teacher, breathwork coach and master sound healing practitioner, holding space for you on your healing journey is a most sacred blessing to me. I would love to help guide you turn your Wounds into Wisdom. Please Contact me and let me know how i can best serve you.

Xoxo

Jess

Imposter Syndrome on Retreat

I am lucky enough to work for a Meditation Retreat company called Jhourney based out of San Francisco. I had my first retreat with them May 2024 and wrote a Blog about it, which you can find here. They helped me learn how to meditate myself and since then it’s been something I look forward to every day. I am happy to say that since I found them I am a Meditator, and i love it.

I have been on their facilitation team with an incredible group of humans which is a great joy to me. I’ve just returned from a deeply immersive retreat with them at Mt Madonna in California, and it was nothing short of transformative - but not the way you think!!!

Imposter Syndrome was definitely coming up for me as I was helping other people learn how to meditate while I was struggling with my own thoughts, patterns, coping skills and fear. This meditation retreat brought up a lot of unexpected emotions for me, and I always like to share in case it helps someone else feel less alone!

Since my break up last year I have been managing, sometimes better than other times, sometimes worse. But such is life, right? Well, what I realized on this retreat is my ~ main ~ coping skill that ‘keeps me safe,’ and ‘on my path’ and ‘moving forward’ is a pattern of Perfectionism!! And honestly, this pattern has been incredibly helpful with keeping me on track with my physical health since the break up - my daily workouts / coffee walks / and rock climbing with a “I MUST DO THIS” mindset. But spoiler alert- this pattern is not good long term or for emotional health AND I had no idea how much this pattern crept into the driver’s seat of my life, but there it was, looking over at me in the passenger seat.

This childhood pattern, that a lot of us have, was created when I was rewarded and loved most when I did well, and disregarded, disrespected and devalued when I did poorly; this lead me to mistakenly think I was only worthy when I did and performed well, and I was not worthy or lovable when I didn’t do well. This Perfectionist Pattern can also lead to people pleasing, masking, and fawning (the lesser known sister of the Fight or Flight response.) These patterns show up in my relationships…

• I’m going to be the best partner ever and prove I’m worthy of love!

• I’m going to put their needs first so they don’t abandon me!

• I’m not okay but they only like me when I’m 100%, so I’ll be 100%!

This pattern also shows up when I’m under stress or going through a hard time…

• I must be perfect or all is lost

• I’ll be fine (even when I’m clearly not)

• *would literally die before asking for help*

On this meditation retreat this pattern came up, and it came up LOUDLY - a spiritual 2x4 if you will! I was experiencing imposter syndrome, fear, not being good enough, worthy enough, smart enough, etc! It started to materialize in my physical body - I was actually having difficulty breathing + sleeping! Luckily I am always honest when someone asks how I’m doing and when my friends asked - I told them the truth - that I was really suffering inside of my own mind; thankfully I was surrounded by incredibly insightful friends who were able to mirror back to me that: I’m actually doing amazing all things considered! Thankfully I was at a meditation retreat, thankfully I knew how to sit with myself and breathe through it, rather than just trying to get around it without feeling it. So I felt into it and at first it sucked. My brain told me how ~ not good enough ~ I was and how ~ unworthy ~ I was, so I asked it what was the positive intention behind those phrases and mean thoughts. It continued: you suck and you shouldn’t be here, and I kept sitting with these thoughts asking what the positive intention was behind them. Finally they said forgiveness, peace, and letting go and I was able to breathe these intentions into my body and into my bones.

I was able to sit with myself, my struggles, my life events, and then the fear, and the messiness of being a sensitive human. I realized that the fear was false, perfectionism is not real, and I am allowed to be whatever I am in the moment, and I am worthy of love despite my messiness! All humans are! I was able to allow forgiveness to wash over me and uncover peace. I was able to let go of these false thoughts because I know logically and intuitively they are NOT me.

It’s ridiculous to think my worth is based on random thoughts in my head. I was reminded of a quote that I often share with clients - do not believe every thought you think! Your thoughts are not your truth!! Why? Well, our thoughts are based on the world inside of us and also the world outside of us. There are no answers in the world outside of ourselves, so by letting go of the external world and turning our gaze inward we begin to find our own personal truth.

Through allowing myself to be messy, imperfect, and loving the shit out of that broken-hearted girl inside me there began a spark, and through meditating on the ridiculousness of my thoughts, the silly notion that I am not worthy or good enough or lovable because I’m not 100% and the overall absurdity of the whole thing (being alive). The clouds in my head broke and I started to bask in the sunshine of my own heart and the infinite wellspring of love and courage and resilience that radiates from deep within me.

I know that every time my heart breaks and I find myself lost, I come back to myself stronger, more resilient, more compassionate, more patient, and more loving. I’m proud of my path and I’m proud of this person I’m always becoming.

So! After a full 7 days of struggle and then stillness, reflection on worth and lovability, and strong energetic recalibration through falling in love with myself again, has left me feeling more aligned and centered than ever.

TBH, I’m also wandering through Asia so that definitely helps ;)

I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”

― Frank Herbert

Let’s be messy silly imperfect humans that have beautiful intentions and learn from our mistakes and become better every day <3

I’d love to hear your story about how you overcame Imposter Syndrome! Message me + let’s chat!

Discovering Ourselves at Rock Bottom

Shamans know Rock Bottom is a deeply transformative place.

As we go through life, occasionally we find ourselves laid out on the floor of Rock Bottom; this is a natural part of living, growing and evolving. Rock Bottom happens eventually or suddenly, quietly or loudly, it affects all of us without bias, and can happen when we lose a job, or partner, or something else we considered ‘stable’ or ‘long lasting.’ We find ourselves here due to emotional upheaval and chaos, mental stress, health issues, spiritual confusion, a loss of a loved one, and many other reasons. Rock Bottom happens, shit happens but most importantly, Shift Happens.

I’ve learned to appreciate Rock Bottom because of the deeply transformative healing that can occur here. Rock bottom is a sacred initiation that cracks us open and allows us to shed old identities to reveal the light of our true selves.

Think about it for a second.

When you are falling you feel like you are failing and therefore you are flailing. There is nothing to hold on to, no one to grasp, there is no life line to hold. You can’t learn anything while you fall - except for how to fall. Sometimes all you can do is exist moment to moment. You are alone, no one can save you, survival is your only focus, your breath is your only friend. Things are breaking around and inside of you - your heart, your illusions, your patterns, your stories, your deeply engrained belief systems, and perhaps your sense of self and who you thought you were.

Perhaps around this time, we reach for a familiar coping skill and find ourselves confused because for some reason it (alcohol, drugs food, etc) doesn’t feel cozy or ‘good’ anymore… this is because as we fall we begin to learn, and a truth a lot of us discover here is that our old coping skill (that used to keep us safe and ‘protected’) is now the one thing responsible for us being kept us separate from the whole. Coping skills are things we learned to help us survive, but as we evolve we end up out-growing coping skills. It can be so scary when the things we used to reach for comfort are no longer comfortable. We are breaking the shell of our illusion.

We are rapidly unlearning the patterns and beliefs that were illusions of safety. Perhaps we begin to see through the illusions of the people around us; are your friends really your friends? A lot of us notice that as we get healthier and set boundaries we lose people around us that benefited from us having no boundaries. Perhaps we begin to see through the lies we told ourselves. Grasping for perfection or self righteousness in ourselves or others are destroyed when those hopes and expectations turn to ash and we realize that just like others, we are flawed. (The good news is that this is okay! More on that later…)

Even though Rock Bottom sucks, it might feel somewhat familiar - we’ve been here before. It’s a scary place because things feel so broken, but in the brokenness there is a deep vulnerability and therefore, the best medicine for us: healing potential.

Maybe we went through something again that we already experienced and we are so frustrated with ourselves, beating ourselves up for making the same mistake again - but maybe we didn’t learn the lesson well enough the first time, so the universe gave us another chance. Or maybe we did learn the lesson, but got too comfortable and forgot, and the universe challenged us with the same problem to see if our self awareness shifted. We can make the same choice with more awareness and more experience. Or maybe the universe is challenging us to be brave and choose something harder this time: perhaps choosing ourselves over another and risking loss and the unknown rather than staying in the familiar.

Here, the only thing we can do is allow ourselves to fall, and break, and be sad, and feel all the emotions that we are feeling. We writhe in uncomfortability, and yell, and curse the universe, How dare you! Why is this happening? What did I do to deserve this? All I want is to be happy! Fuck! Here we find a pregnant place of potential where we face the pain head on: we emote, we express, we cry, we journal, we write, we sit with the hurt, betrayal, and confusion. We sit with the pain and the different versions of ourselves (inner child etc) and we learn a valuable lesson: the way not around the pain, it is through.

It is in dialogue with pain that many beautiful things acquire their value.

―Alain de Botton

Once we find ourselves here at Rock Bottom, once we have sat with our pain, accepted it and therefore accepted ourselves completely, faults and all, we begin to flow with it and through it, and eventually we begin to dance with it.

Here, true healing can begin because there is such weighted stillness, there is deafening silence, there is alone-ness, and there is spaciousness to heal, because there is such emptiness. This is bittersweet and it is hopeful: when something is empty is has the capacity to be filled.

For the first time, we take a big deep breath and face the things that we’ve been avoiding, and we face them alone. No friend, lover, parent or peer can help you here. We are here alone with all our patterns, all our wounds and insecurities. Here is the magical space we can begin to fill up our emptiness with whatever we want. Here we can start to rebuild ourselves, with a solid foundation that we can only get from being at Rock Bottom. Also, if you have noticed my use of the word ‘we’ rather than ‘you,’ it is very purposeful. Even though we are alone in this process, we all go through this at different times, phases and stages of our lives, and therefore, we are united in this void, and I think there is something gorgeous about this grief.

At Rock Bottom, the only one who can pick you up is yourself. You can call on the wisdom of your Older Self, or your trust in the universe (which is also you.) And so we begin again, a fresh start, a leg to stand on, we begin again. We start listening to podcasts, reading books, writing, journaling, creating, seeing joy in the little things - flowers in the cracks of sidewalks, the way the moon looks, the rays of the sun through the clouds, the laughter of a friend. We start to heal in the tiny moments that sew our heart back together. We start to heal by connecting to the innate wisdom that is us, that is our breath, that is our inner knowing that our current situation is not our final destination. We begin to realize that there is a silver cord throughout our life connecting us to synchronicity; and this perhaps this chaotic upheaval that we suffered through was (maybe, violently) redirecting us to a different path. We look back on all our prior Rock Bottoms and see how they guided us to be different, to be better, to be stronger, more resilient, more kind, more loving, more understanding, and most importantly more compassionate toward ourselves and others.

When we are in pain we are more vulnerable, open, and connected to everyone else. When we are in pain we can sit with other’s pain wholly, with empathy, and a deep understanding. We realize that we heal, not to handle the trauma, but to be able to hold the future joy; the joy that is imminent and just around the corner. We only have to allow ourselves to break, and fall, and dissolve; and gently, with patience and tenderness, pick ourselves up and eventually reach back out and engage in life: to chose to begin again, no matter how much it hurts.

I realized a long time ago that every time my heart breaks, it breaks open to hold more love, to hold more vulnerability, more compassion, and therefore to be able to hold more of me.

Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and being alone won't either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You have to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes too near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself that you tasted as many as you could.”

~ Louise Erdrich, The Painted Drum

In the past, I’ve held on to things for a while, and to quote someone from TikTok, those things that I held onto have claw marks on them from how much I loved them; but I, as we all do, inevitably learn to let go. Life isn’t about avoiding pain, it’s about jumping in and joining the dance. It’s about saying yes to the things that feel good regardless of the possible outcome. It’s about living fully with no regrets.

Lately, when I have suffered through breakups I truly feel into that loss, wholly and sacredly. I sit with myself at Rock Bottom and feel everything and when I feel ready, I begin again. As I get older I’ve come to realize that in relationships, I give my all, and I’m proud of myself for that. No matter the outcome, I’m able to walk away knowing that I gave such big love, and they most likely needed that.

When death finds you, may it find you alive.

~ African Proverb

So be patient with yourself as you win and as you fail. Be compassionate to yourself, your emotions, your mind, and your body. Forgive yourself for not understanding and forgive others for not understanding. Take care of your body, hydrate and don’t underestimate the power of a salt bath or a really good cry. Don’t forget to pause, take a moment to yourself, and connect with your breath. Most of all be gentle with yourself, you are learning, and you are only getting better, flaws and all.

Xoxo

Jess

Note:

This blog is brought to you by the year 2024, it was not my favorite.

I lost several friends, most notably one of my best friends, Tiffany Barsotti. I also left a relationship, sadly but intentionally, with someone who I thought was my forever.

fuck & the throat chakra

Screaming to release stuck emotions is a well-known method of Somatic Therapy - just like crying or shaking. These exercises can help to provide relief by setting the emotion free and relaxing the nervous system.

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Never underestimate the power of screaming “FUCK” on the top of your lungs.

Seriously.

I know that might sound weird, but let’s unpack this together:

The word “Fuck” is the word we’re told we’re not supposed to say. And maybe because of this it might be the word we want to say: and therefore holds SOOOOO much energy. What we resist persists, remember?

We know that sometimes emotions get trapped inside our body if we don’t allow them their life’s mission - which is full expression. We know that stuck / long term emotions can cause physical issues (you’ve heard of stress & its relationship with disease, yes?)

Similar Childhood experiences

So let’s reflect on these potential experiences you may have had in childhood - especially if you’re female.

You may have been told:

1. You’re not allowed to be angry

2. You’re not allowed to be loud: kids are meant to be seen and not heard

3. How dare you say that!

Perhaps you were shamed with

4. People won’t respect you if you talk like a sailor.

5. Good kids don’t say bad words!

Perhaps guilted with

6. If you say that it reflects poorly on me!

This is a list of common things we’re told as children, amongst others. This list is destructive to our self esteem, autonomy and boundaries because it limits what you’re able to say and how you express. Who is anyone to tell you not to say things?

I’ve always thought that not saying a word gives it more power. This is also true when it comes to names. I have found when I do sound healing sessions, I sometimes will ask my client to purge the name of a person who hurt them; this is in order to release it out of their body. Often there is an emotional response to it and 10/10 times the person feels better! Consider the lesson of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named from the Harry Potter series:

“Fear of a name increases fear of the thing itself.” ~ Dumbledore

We allow certain words to hold energy and then we deny ourselves energy.

Why? Let’s use that untapped potential!?

I find that specifically yelling this word - FUCK - helps to release and unlock a lot of power from people who would consider themselves people-pleasers, perhaps children of narcissistic parents or tendencies, and therefore maybe lacking boundaries.

There is latent power in yelling FUCK.

Now, if you’re like “But Jess, the word FUCK comes from horrible roots!” Like yea, you might be right... But that just proves my point even more!

“If you name me, you negate me.” ~ Søren Kierkegaard.

What if instead of judging this word as bad, we unlock the potent potential of setting this word free. Let’s harness this ferocious energy of “FUCK” by yelling it on the tops of our lungs and using it to clear the Throat Chakra and heal ourselves!

*Note: I’m not saying its okay to swear AT people - anger splashed on others is, in fact, inappropriate.

Turning back time

Personally, I believe in past lives.

Back in the day it was easiest to kill people via the neck (aka Throat Chakra). People were hung, throats were slit, heads rolled from the guillotine. People who were scouts, truth tellers, and history writers were murdered to keep truth hidden. Is it any surprise that the reincarnations of those people - us - struggle with the truth: how can we speak our truth if it’s dangerous? if we’ll get killed because of it? if our subconscious mind or perhaps our soul is scarred with these memories as truth = pain?

How can we tell our truth when it’s literally been disconnected from us?

Why does this matter?

Healing the throat chakra

The Throat Chakra is seen as the bridge to higher chakras; below the Throat Chakra, the others deal with physical-realm things; safety, abundance, motivation, and love; but the Chakras above the throat deal with intuition, self awareness and realization, and divine consciousness & connectedness.

Finding your truth, understanding it and speaking it help heal the Throat Chakra. How do we do this?

1. Figure out what your truth is:

   • Spend time alone, away from people and social media

   • Others don’t know your truth, only you do

   • Silence helps you hear better

2. Understand your truth and what it means

   • Connecting deeply within yourself

   • Understanding your emotions & patterns

   • Aligning with your authenticity

3. Speaking your truth

   • From a space of integrity

   • With balanced emotions, and a centered & grounded Self

In Biofield Tuning, we find the right side of the Throat Chakra relates to issues speaking your truth and not being heard. This can be because someone wasn’t listening, or flat out didn’t believe you. The left side of the Throat Chakra deals with not speaking your truth; this can happen if we don’t know what our truth is, if speaking our truth isn’t safe, or even! If we’re not listening to ourselves. How can others hear us if we don’t hear ourselves?

When I work with clients on the Throat Chakra a piece of homework I give them is to go on a drive and scream FUCK as loud as they can. For themselves, for their inner child, for their pain, their life’s journey, for past lives, and people they’ve been before.

Try it & see what happens*

Here’s to the women who don’t give a fuck ~ Janne Robinson

Somatic therapy

This blog is inspired by the wisdom of Somatic Therapy. Somatic Therapy is not something I have been trained in, but its something I’ve always understood intuitively - and you probably do too.

We see children self soothe by moving or rocking their body back and forth when they are upset. We release emotional pain by crying or running or dancing. Somatic Therapy is a way to release emotions with techniques that range from body exercises - like shaking or writing or mental exercises like body scans, relaxing the body as you scan different areas with your mind.

I have found that specifically yelling FUCK seems to help unlock latent power in people who would historically call themselves people-pleasers. Something about saying the word ‘you’re not supposed to say’ sets them free.*

~

Please watch Osho’s similar opinion on The Magic of the Word Fuck

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*Disclaimer -

1. Don’t splash your anger on others, there should be no ~ receiver ~ to your anger.

2. You don’t have to agree, as always try things with the same philosophy of trying on a T-shirt. If it doesn’t fit, try on a new one ;)

Self Care

Hey there :)

So funny story, it took me until the other day when I posted something about Self Care that I realized I have not actually written a blog on Self Care.

This is a bit unusual because I talk about it all the time - it is the tiny soap box I stand on and wave my hands around… and in typing that statement I just had an ah ha! moment after realizing that I just started my sound-healing-only-instagram after 15 years… so I suppose I am late on a few important things.

Better late than never!

*starts to judge self and then immediately soaks self in forgiveness and patience for beginning so late*

Phew! Anyways!

I’ve written blogs on Self Inquiry and Energetic Hygiene and other topics related to self care, but never solely on self care. So here we are! I hope you enjoy :)

Why is Self Care so important?

I’m glad you asked.

Gracious receiving gives dignity to the act of giving

Imagine being so excited to give someone a gift it feels like your ‘tail’ is wagging. Imagine feeling the difference between their two possible reactions: 1. “oh my god thank you so much I’ve been looking for one of these forever!!!” 2. “oh thanks.” What did your energy do when you read the first statement vs the second? Perhaps it felt like your heart opened on the first statement, or you felt energized or loved or even just smiled; and then perhaps your energy or heart may have drooped a bit on the second statement.

Now imagine them giving a gift to you and you receiving their gift with the same enthusiasm from statement 1. This is the best way to receive all gifts whether it be monetary, physically like a hug, or energetic like gratitude.

Why? You might ask.

Because:

Gracious receiving gives dignity to the act of giving

When we give and receive in equal measure our heart chakra becomes balanced. If you put your arms out to your sides in a ‘T’ shape you’ll notice the arms are in the ~ zone ~ of the Heart Chakra. The Heart Chakra has to do with the love, mercy, kindness and compassion we give and offer to others - but also the love, mercy, kindness and compassion we give to OURSELVES!

It is just as important to be nice to yourself as it is to other people. You are a worthy and deserving being! You’ve been through a lot and you’re trying your best!

Honestly it’s hard to remember this and I totally get it - one of the best phrases that was ever shared with me - credited to my dearly departed Tif - was “you parent yourself the way your parents did, when you are stressed out.” That statement whacked me in the head and landed hard in my heart: I’m a relatively easy going person… but in the past, when I was stressed, my brain chatter was constant judgement and inner critic.

Why am I talking all about this in a blog about Self Care? Well, when you think about Self Care, it’s about caring about yourself. If your parents weren’t super supportive then that is the tone of the inner voice you have in your head under stress. Gently trying to switch that inner critic to the inner coach is super beneficial. Constantly judging, nitpicking, comparing, putting yourself down probably hasn’t helped you in the past, so maybe it’s time to try a new way!

Self care covers a wide range of topics

Self Care can be being gentle to yourself. It can be reminding yourself not to beat yourself up over little things. It can be physical like drinking water or working out. It can be mental like writing a to-do list of silly tasks just so your brain gets dopamine once you check them off…

If you are an human in today’s society you’re probably a bit stressed. I invite you (mmmmaybe perhaps urge you) to put Self Care at the top of your daily to-do list. Between expectations of peers, colleagues and family; social media trying its best to harvest and monetize your attention (yuck!) and not-so-great-news being on the news all the time it’s important to stay aligned, grounded, true to yourself & healthy - whatever that means for you.

If you’ve found me for healing services then you might be considered a Highly Sensitive person / empath / light worker, and if so, it is paramount to our own healing journey to Self Care, especially if we are sharing our talents with others in a healing space. We can pick up energy from other people and we want to make sure we don’t continue to carry that energy around.

We live in a time we have to be connected at all times, we live in a time that we have talked and connected with more people this year alone than in the entire lives of people back then. How crazy to think about? I would wager a guess that we see / interact with more people in a month (in person and social media) than our ancestors saw in a lifetime?!

Because of this we desperately need to take care of ourselves.

So, what does Self Care look like?

In the past I have not had the best habits i.e. food and alcohol, and it was hard for me to get out of those habits - so one of the very first things that I taught myself to do was to marry a bad habit with a good one. Am I going to eat that bag of Doritos? Yes… AND! Now I have to eat an apple first. If you try to cut everything that’s unhealthy it miiiight not work, and this is because these unhealthy habits also moonlight as coping skills. Sometimes we do need a day to do nothing, so take it, you deserve it, and then the next day maybe you notice you’re 4x as productive! (Ps: these stories are all autobiographical ;)

It’s all about balance!

Self Care is so much fun because there’s so many options to chose from! Here are some ideas for you:

Self care ideas from my heart to yours

Physical

• Workout - it’s no joke that working out helps stimulate happy neurotransmitters in your body to make your brain happier

• Hydrate - drink water! This is one of the simplest things that makes the biggest difference.

• Massage (or Acupuncture etc etc) - supports flow in the body. Movement = flow = health.

• Cold plunge - creates more of a dopamine hit then cocaine!

• Infrared Sauna - because it can penetrate the skin to help your cells detox

• Hiking - my favorite activity

• Nature - nature is my #1 self care to bring me back in alignment to myself

• Fasting - intermittently, and every once and awhile 4-7 days because I love all the health benefits you get from it.

• Sobriety - I’ve been sober for 10 months now and will write about this soon

• Dancing! I love a good Kevin-Bacon-Footloose-Dance-Explosion!

• Literally anything physical that makes you feel awesome… even sex!

Energetic

• Set boundaries with parents / friends / whomever

• Saying “no” without explaining yourself

• Salt bath - salt has “green” energy according so certain color therapy modalities which is cleansing & dissolving

• Energy / sound healing sessions of course ;)

• “Cutting” cords - to bring back your energy from others

• Manifesting / vision board to awake dreams into life / keep you on track with your goals

• Do something new even if you scares you - I can’t stress this one enough. This is truly how I live my life and my life has been a grand adventure because of it.

• Anything that makes your heart soar, you feel satisfaction & pride in yourself, anything that increases your mana ;)

Mental

• Allow work to end when you punch out

• Write down to-do list per day or week, check things off no matter how trivial they seem trains your brain to be proud of yourself (sometimes I make a list and check off: coffee walk, journal, set intentions)

• Set phone hours like working hours - phone goes on airplane at 6p and off airplane at 6am

• Read - anything: magazines, comic books, fiction, non fiction, just the act of focusing and reading and enjoying

• Allow quiet time

• Journal your intentions

• Anything that helps you dive into something so deep you find the mind has accidentally quieted itself… even rabbit holes ;)

Spiritual

• Carving time out of your day for yourself i.e. solo time

• Meditate

• Connect with nature

• Start cultivating a true “You” practice, doing breathwork, learning about mindfulness, think of it like a gift to yourself

• Anything that brings you back home to yourself, in alignment with your truth and your wild authenticity

Stay in touch!

I would love to hear how this blog helped, inspired or just re-aligned you back on your path toward Self Care!

Don’t hesitate to reach out, comment like or share <3

Do you even Jhana, bro?

I just emerged from a 7 day Jhana Meditation retreat in Northern, California and it was delicious!

I have always had a deep desire to do a meditation retreat but have heard a fair share of horror stories about sitting still for 10 hours a day with no movement or journaling allowed - yikes! These stories have unfortunately really kept me from meditation retreats and also made me judge my own practice.

There are so many expectations you hear about meditation: you must sit still, you must focus, you must concentrate, you must do it for 30m at least, you must do it every day. For an Eastern Practice it has always felt oddly Western in its rigidity. I have never considered myself a great meditator because I have trouble sitting still, figit constantly, prefer movement in my meditation and feel most ‘connected’ to myself, the world around me and the universe when I’m on a difficult hike to a rocky summit.

I have known that I can access heightened states of consciousness and awareness due to my lifetime awareness of being a natural born intuitive and empath; and all the body / energy awareness it brings; and through my energetic & sound healing practice of 15 years. I never had words for these heightened states and would call them just that - “heightened states of consciousness,” “altered states,” being “blissed out,” or “in flow.”

As it turns out, these are Jhanic states: Jhana is defined as a meditative state of profound stillness and ’collectedness’ in which the mind becomes fully immersed and absorbed.

Like other epic crossovers (i.e. rap music falling in love with country and vice versa) I find it beautiful that the engineers and tech guys of Silicon Valley have hacked meditation using Left Brain techniques and skills. The facilitators at this retreat described it best when they said they “are using Left Brain Techniques to teach Right Brain Concepts.”

Think of it as a drop down menu:

Try to Relax, is it working? If yes, continue, if no, see if you can enjoy. Is enjoying working? If yes, continue, if no, try to observe, and so on and so on. The pillars they taught gave me confidence to ease into the techniques - and my favorite part - if you get distracted just allow the distraction to be part of the experience. ‘Distraction is traction,’ as they say - this is one of the biggest missing pieces for me! You mean I can invite all my thoughts and feelings, colors, songs from high school, bird noises, random dreams, “what am I going to eat later, when is my next hike” thoughts into my meditation?!

And you know what?

It worked! Instead of trying to “quiet my mind,” I opened it up instead. Instead of trying to stop my thoughts or single focus on an object, i loved every thought, every feeling, every breeze, every birdsong, every murmur of someone talking in the background, any feeling into my awareness and loved it deeply. I started to see my distracted thoughts as a little kid running into a house and interrupting a conversation - the kid is just excited to share - he deserves love and attention - and the more he gets it the more he goes back outside to play. When you try to “stop” your thoughts you are literally putting resistance up, and not surprisingly getting resistance in return.

I like to explain the Jhana’s through my hiking analogy as that was the epiphany that I had that I realized I’ve been doing them my whole life. Maybe this will help you connect to your own pathway to the Jhanas:

For me, Jhana 1 is like being on a hike and seeing the top of the mountain I am going to summit: there is ecstatic, excitement, high levels of vibration and energy flowing through my body, almost as if I want to wiggle out of my skin, the defined area of my body begins to dissolve and become one with the atmosphere.

~ Important note I also realize this is why people don’t like hiking with me haha!! I get into these rapturous states and they’re questioning why are we friends ~

Jhana 2 is like summing the mountain: the euphoria starts to dissolve into a softer happiness, a gratitude for my body that I did it, a contentment, a non-egoic sense of accomplishment.

Jhana 3 is after I summit a mountain I send energy to everyone I love. I call it the Care Bear Stare and if you know me personally or watched the 80’s cartoon The Care Bears, you know exactly what I’m talking about. I send love and appreciation to all my friends all over the world, everyone I’ve ever met and even people i used to know. This is my way of offering friendliness and appreciation to everyone that has journeyed with me in this life.

Jhana 4 is either a) the hike down the mountain or b) when I am in bed later holding the deepest gratitude in all of the cells of my body. The most peaceful state of returning, of relaxing.

Grant, one of my meditation facilitators invited me to dive a bit deeper into Jhana 4 so later that night I did and at first it smelled like dead leaves in a forest if it had rained yesterday, the deepest most beautiful sweet delicious and dead leaves earth smell. I felt my body sink into the earth like I was being buried, but in a gentle and sweet sense - my body was returning to the earth. I felt cozy, held by the dirt around me, I felt as if my body and energy was being recycled for something new and then immediately the visual changed to spring and little buds and flowers and moss started growing on the top of the earth over me and I felt complete - that I had completed this natural and sacred cycle.

Later I journeyed with another amazing facilitator - Judah - and in writing about my experience it accidentally turned itself into a poem:

Luminous light with effervescent sparkles

Grounded dissolving bones into the earth

Shallow breaths deepen, pumping diaphragm to ignite the spark of the Solar Plexus

Light where there was darkness

Play tension like a guitar string, a song is possible

When you are powerful you don’t need bad patterns to make you bigger than others

Fractal flowers spiral into dresses with invitation to

A dance hosted in a nighttime canopy of planets and stars

Infinity folds back on itself

What is the experience?

What is experience?

Anything I try to hold slips immediately from my mind, off the shelf and into the void

There is only now

Here

And right now

There is only everything all at once at any time

Inside of nothing cradles everything

Everything turns to nothing

Stephen, another facilitator, had mentioned how when you read a poem the first time it’s lovely but after you figure out these jhanic states it’s like an instructional manual and I couldn’t agree more!

Overall, my deepest realization was that I meditate best when I am not trying to, and that is my playful and curious door into the Jhanas, meditative states, heightened consciousness, altered awareness and being blissed out.

~

So, if you are like me and have struggled with meditating or the idea of meditating - let’s begin together! Here are some helpful hints and phrases from retreat I find invaluable:

• What are you curious about in your experience right now?

• What needs to be acknowledged?

• Can you relax, enjoy and observe?

• Can you forgive yourself for not understanding.

• Nothing exists in our experience independent of how we relate to it.

• Can you let yourself be overwhelmed by your experience?

  
  
  If you’re interested in learning more: I found the retreat to be delightful, the facilitators fantastic. Thanks to Stephen, Judah, Grant, Owen & Jack
  

Click here to learn more about Jhana Jhourney Retreats!

Iboga: Death & Dying Pt 2

Read iboga: death & dying pt 1 here

Returning to life

When I was coming out of the experience 36 hours later, I heard Jason (my boyfriend in the next room) crying and ‘knew’ it was because I had died; I was upset because I ‘knew’ he had to call my parents and tell them I was dead and I ‘knew’ they would be devastated.

I was feeling horrible physically which deepened the idea that I was dead and when I told the medical staff they gave me concerned looks. Naturally I became even more convinced I was deceased. Jason came into the room asking for a hug and I ‘knew’ it was because he wanted to see me one last time before my body was taken away.

When Jason came into the room he hugged me and it felt like life itself. He suggested we sit outside in the sunshine and once I was finally able to get up, we sat outside. My experience tumbled out of my mouth in discoherent fragments and I told him how much of a failure I was, I didn’t deserve him, everything was my fault and I asked him if he called my parents - to my surprise he laughed and asked to clarify what the heck I was talking about - I continued almost drunkenly: “but I’m dead and someone needs to tell my parents.” He assured me I was not dead and in fact, very much alive as I had been reborn through this process. You can only imagine the relief I felt!

We sat in the bright afternoon light of springtime in Portugal looking at the yellow flowers that reached and stretched out into the field in front of us. We talked, connected, shared insights and vulnerability, cuddled and loved one another without any resistance, hesitation or expectation. The love I felt in these moments exceeds any love I’ve ever felt in my life. It was love in the form of life after death; the most alive and vibrant love I’ve ever experienced.

A day or two later we did 5MeO-DMT which is a very powerful psychedelic to complete the circle of the ceremony and it was the most beautiful DMT experience I have ever had: I inhaled the medicine and a whole universe of experiences tumbled out of my mouth as I exhaled, and my body relaxed down to the ground. I began to stretch, and the further I stretched the better it felt, I stretched so big that to this day I believe I’m an inch taller!

I laughed with the purity, effervescence and unencumberedness of a child’s laugh: a laugh free from the wisdom and pain of life’s experiences. I sobbed and the sobbing felt just as good or better than the laughter: it felt like I was releasing the deepest sadness that had occupied my internal organs and dwelled in my DNA. I laughed and cried for myself, my family, my friends, and my ancestors, I laughed and cried for everyone I knew, and then everyone who had ever been known.

It felt delicious to allow it to come out, to be expressed, to be witnessed, and to be healed.

the healing process

The healing process continued with similar intensity and took another full week. I was exhausted and felt like a raw nerve walking around; my nervous system felt fried, lights were too bright, any sounds were too loud, people were way to people-y.

I felt like something immortal had just been demoted to mortality. I found it difficult to interact with my fellow humans. I had just been in hell - it was hard to relate.

During my healing process in this heavy drug-like, dream-like state, I found out that one of my closest friends died. Tiffany Barsotti was my mentor, medical intuitive, spiritual counselor, roommate, co-worker in the realm of biofield and subtle energy sciences and a light in the life of myself and anyone who was lucky enough to know her.

It felt physically unbelievable: because I was feeling dead, it was impossible that Tif and I were both dead. Leaning into to the drug like dream-like state I felt like I was in the ‘woods between worlds’ I was transitioning from death to life and she was passing by going the opposite direction. In this nebulous space in between time I reached out to Tif, I felt her presence and energy. She visited, energetically hugged me tightly and assured me that I was not dead and would continue to live; and she shared that she was on the most incredible adventure through her passing. As I continue to edit this blog months later, she visits me often in meditation and dreams and I am forever blessed with the memories I have with her, and in heightened states of awareness when I feel her sitting next to me and jokingly pointing out a pattern of mine I was previously unaware of.

Being in this state of in between life and death felt oddly synchronous because I felt she was near me in this state where nothing and everything was simultaneously real; where everything was impossible and possible at the same time.

waking up into my aliveness

Now that I have fully come back from this experience I feel AMAZING. When I speak, my statements feel more authentic to my truth and my soul. My listening to understand has improved, my desire to connect and understand others has deepened. It feels like the back of my brain woke up.

I am inspired to live deeper, I feel healthy, vibrant and alive. I feel centered in myself, aligned in my soul and grounded in my path, purpose, and mission.

I am so grateful for my courage to work with this plant medicine; I am grateful for this Hero’s Journey through this spiritual ceremony and deep healing process with Iboga.

In this space I realized that grief is a gift and that sitting with grief allows the sadness to become sacred.

Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.

―Jamie Anderson

~

I hope you enjoyed my personal journey with Iboga. If you have any questions about it I would love to connect with you. Once again, it’s important to select a good center with a medical team if you decide to take this journey! It’s hard, but worth it!

Please enjoy my Free Grief Sound Healing Session inspired by Tiffany’s love and light by clicking here.

~

This blog is dedicated to and in honor of the life, the light, the love and the work of Rev. Tiffany Barsotti M.Th, PhD.

Please consider donating to her fund here to continue her work and legacy to advance the field of biofield sciences, and increase collaborations that foster connections between healing practitioners and scientists.

How to build an altar

Why create an altar?

We create altars for many reasons:

• As a space for focus & meditation

• To conjure something into our life - like peace, abundance, love, or protection

• For manifestation

• To honor something - like our ancestors or nature

• For ritual

• To help us release.

Note: There is no ‘right away’ to create an altar as it is a deeply intuitive and individual journey - here I will share with you my personal process.

Before we begin our altar creation it is a good idea to get clarity on your intentions + purpose.

cleanse space

When I am creating an altar I usually do it with a specific intention during a celestial event. My most recent altar I created for Beltane - the midway point between Spring Equinox and Summer Solstice. I had a few people reach out and ask me about it and that inspired this blog.

I like to cleanse my space where I am building my altar through the sound of om, crystal bowls, koshi chimes OR with smoke, incense, and fire.

gather 5 elements + build altar

When I create an altar I like to have all five elements represented - earth, water, air, fire and aether (or plasma).

For earth I use: crystals, bones, pieces of wood, herbs, flowers and snake symbolism. I always have snake symbolism in my altar creation for the qualities snakes represent - shedding skin, transformation and wisdom. The earth aspect of my altar invokes feelings of grounding, support and symbolizes abundance, wealth and success.

For air I use a feather and say my intentions out loud, to be carried on the wind up into the heavens - much like the method of prayer flags. Honoring the air element symbolizes intellect, ideas, imagination.

For fire: I light a candle to conjure health, passion, enthusiasm, courage, adventure and life.

For water: I collect rainwater - if you are in a dry area you can take water and bless it with your hands or sacred sounds (chanting, om-ing, crystal bowls, etc). Water symbolizes emotion, intuition, psychic abilities and clairvoyance.

For aether or plasma I use a Lichtenberg figure which was a gift from a friend of mine. It is an acrylic ball shocked by electricity which creates a lightening fractal running through it.

Other things I’ll place on my altar:

• Meaningful items like gifts or statues of deities

• Actual physical money

• Tokens, like a scarab from Egypt, or a protecting eye

• Jewelry that I wear - to cleanse and to conjure

• Pictures / names of people I want included

• Items based on intentions, colors or seasons

• Written Mantras, or spells

The way I build my altar is very intuitive, and it is my opinion that however you build your altar is best for you. All my altars are different but they follow a general idea.

• Some crystals point in toward the center if they symbolize what I want to draw in - like citrine pulling in energy for abundance.

• Some crystals point out to ground energy - like tourmaline or shunguuite.

• Some crystals point up to release energy out and away - like quartz to create a ‘vent’ of energy, in my mind this creates a movement much like breathing.

You will notice when you create your altar and place significant items & crystals around it that some will ‘want’ to be turned in, out, up or down. This is part of the creative and intuitive process :)

CONJURE / manifest / pray

After I have built my altar it is time to sit with it. I thank the natural kingdom + cardinal directions and I focus on my intention. I meditate, allowing my mind to become blank fills it with solutions.

I pray saying thank you, I love you, I’m sorry, please forgive me, and I cast spells. I ask for guidance from my guides, I sit with the older and younger version of myself. I manifest the things I want in my life, I revisit my intentions and speak my affirmations.

Release ritual

It is my opinion that altars become conscious organisms with the proper intention & ingredients. So, when I am done with this whole process I use different stones to point/send any excess energy out an actual window. This way the process becomes self sufficient after I am finished; it completes whatever other intentions it has and then releases itself when it feels finished.

Simplified Steps to create your altar

1. Set intentions

2. Cleanse space with fire / smoke / incense /sound

3. Gather tokens / amulets / crystals / things from environment

4. Build altar

5. Pray / meditate / cast spells (it’s all the same magic ;)

6. Release ritual

~

Personal note: Let me know what you thought of this blog by messaging me! I would love to see a picture of your altar if you were open to sharing!

IBOGA: Death & dying PT1

the beginning

In February 2024 on a farm in Middle of Nowhere, Portugal, I embarked on a deep transformational experience using the very intense healing power of the plant medicine Iboga.

In this blog I want to stress the intensity of Iboga without scaring people away from this deeply healing plant medicine: Iboga is incredibly powerful and should be approached with care. This blog contains no medical advice and is only my personal experience. Unless proper precautions, such as a medical team and EKG machine constantly monitoring your heart rate, complications and even death can occur.

Iboga is a plant medicine that is known for it’s Grandfather energy; to me, it feels very grounded, earthy, accessing ancestral and potentially past life information ingrained in my root chakra, in the very marrow of my bones. I would compare it to Ayahuasca ONLY in the sense that Ayahuasca is equally powerful and is known for it’s Grandmother essence. To me, Ayahuasca is enlightening and therefore the energy exists up around your head and your upper chakras; whereas Iboga is grounded in your lower chakras and physical body. Ayahuasca goes up, Iboga goes down.

The two sacred plant medicines have similar and different energies in many ways. Iboga comes from the root bark of a shrub in Central Africa, whereas Ayahuasca comes from the rainforest of South America; and both are used by indigenous people in sacred ceremony.

safety

Before the ceremony we got our blood drawn and the medical staff assessed our weight (for dosing), our blood pressure and our heart rate. During the ceremony we were hooked up to the EKG machine the whole time: 36 hours. This was to make sure we were healthy enough to continue taking the dose. Iboga can cause arrhythmia which can lead to death, so if you are considering working with Iboga, take this into consideration in selecting which center you use.

We prepped our mind and bodies before the experience with breathwork and yoga. We discussed how using this plant medicine is very much like embarking on a ‘Hero’s Journey.’ The Hero’s Journey was a story-model designed by Joseph Campbell where a normal person goes through something intense, succeeds and is thereby transformed forever. We (my boyfriend and I) knew that we would be different after this experience.

the ceremony

When the effects of the Iboga began I was mentally and metaphysically preparing to ‘fight’ something. They told us to create a scary monster in our mind that represented all of my doubts, insecurities and fears; in fighting and winning I was proving my worthiness, my courage and my strength to myself.

Initially, there was fear and doubt in my mind questioning:

1. Could I win this fight?

2. What if I do it ‘wrong?’

3. Would I literally die if I didn’t?

This pattern of doubting myself has been present in my past and I decided I was sick and tired of letting it direct my life. Even though I didn’t feel 100% ready I knew I was as ready as I’d ever be, I also knew that when you are afraid is the only time you can be brave, and I found comfort in that.

My mind created the fighting arena: there was a bridge I had to cross with a door on the other side that led into a castle, naturally the monster was on the bridge blocking my path.

I had to jump at the monster on the bridge, kill him and get into the door behind him. He was big and scary but I imagined my brother being in danger behind the door and that gave me the inspiration I needed to begin my attack.

As I jumped toward the monster with all the courage (and a cool sword) I could muster and I suddenly felt this bottomless well of resilience rise up inside me like an earthly flame. It began in my solar plexus and my heart moving and flowing throughout my body to my appendages. It was incredibly visceral and my real physical body moved and undulated in tandem with this energetic flow. It felt like the deepest strength and loudest courage, like my heart was transforming into a very literal ‘heart of a lion.’

This bottomless well of resilience was previously unbeknownst and unfamiliar to me, but I realized in this moment it was my birthright and I claimed it with all the courage I had. Any doubts that danced through my head like “but what if you can’t,” “what if you fail,” were revealed as lies and suddenly died, dissolved and turned to ash. What was left was an even stronger, tangible and more resonant truth that echoed in my bones: “there’s no way you can fail,” “there is no such thing as failure.” It felt like every cell in my body had turned into sunshine.

Once the monster came to his end with the blade of my sword, I opened the door of the castle and I met Iboga. He was African with one green eye and one yellow eye, I only ever saw the top half of his face and he spoke telepathically to me and a rumbling gravelly deep voice. His voice guided me to tumble further back into my subconscious, not falling, but supported somehow and weightless. Under the mentorship of Iboga I was able to begin this deep healing work - it was almost as if my ‘Jess Avatar’ was broken down into the smallest particles and spread throughout the farthest reaches of the known universe so I could see all my parts and components - physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually, and work with them individually.

As Iboga guided me I saw the things that I had been avoiding, for me this looks like:

1. sadness, because it reminds me of being depressed in the past so it doesn’t feel safe to access because I don’t want to get sucked in ever again

2. avoiding and suppressing the thoughts that I’m an imposter and not good enough

3. thinking that I’m an failure

4. that everything is my fault and

5. thinking that I’m unworthy and unlovable and

6. that I don’t deserve my wild and abundant life.

feeling myself die

During the experience I felt and knew (?) I was dying, but I also was deeply aware that I had to die in order to be reborn.

Iboga helped me feel all the things I was afraid of and I died through each emotion I was resisting. I experienced death through sadness, death through being not good enough, death through failure, death because it was my fault, death through my unworthiness and death through being undeserving. I died through embracing and accepting these things - this process wasn’t fun - it was so painful and felt awful and like the most torturous suffering I had ever suffered!!!

AND

It felt like this old Jess had to die through these things in order to be reborn into a new unwavering resiliency and courage. Old Jess couldn’t fathom those things, so she needed to die.

Kill the boy and let the man be born.

Iboga was still not done teaching me yet: I arrived in hell and I witnessed the most awful things - my imagination is incredibly vivid but the things I saw in hell were surprising, even for me. Hell was barren and dead and the color was all bleached out, it was bleak, hopeless and reeked of the deepest despair. Just as quickly as I wanted to resist it and hate it, I realized it was better to surrender so I decided to keep walking - much like the Winston Churchill quote.

If you're going through hell, keep going.

In surrendering to this entire experience I realized I was okay. Even dead and in hell, I was okay. This was a truly enlightening experience: I was okay in this hell, I sat with the despair, the pain, the suffering, the agony. I didn’t resist what I was feeling, seeing and going through. Through sacred surrender I felt a spark of sunshine and acceptance deep inside myself. I realized I was in hell, and that’s okay. I was suffering, in pain and scared, and that was okay. I was fearful I would never get out, and that was okay. I was afraid I was a failure, and that was okay. I was afraid I was unlovable and unworthy, and that was okay. I felt like I was an imposter and undeserving of my wild and amazing life, and that was okay. Suddenly no matter how negative my brain’s thoughts spiraled, the resonant truth that it was all okay echoed like a heart beat coming from inside and outside of myself.

being reborn

What a revelation it was! Surrendering to every thought of doubt and despair started to shape an innate and immovable self acceptance. I was able to hear the electricity that energized my heart and the blood pumping through my veins.

I realized I was listening to my own aliveness.

In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer.
And that makes me happy.

For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger –

something better, pushing right back.

―Albert Camus

I realized at the deepest level of existence there exists incredible pain - however, that pain is paired and indistinguishable from the most orgasmic feeling of love and electricity. The very essence of life itself?! How lucky was I to experience this fantastical and life changing truth?!

Even though I was in pain, dead, in hell and suffering, there was this dogged determination to continue, a passion and zest for life’s juiciness even at rock bottom. Due to my prior work with death and transformation, I am comfortable at rock bottom because I know that is one of life’s biggest catalysts for change…

I was being initiated.

My intention before the Iboga was my continued passion, zest and love for life, my desire to go on, live loudly and unapologetically. I have always lived like I was telling the best story ever told and I wanted that magic to be branded on my soul.

Through this activation, I realized there was no such thing as right and wrong, there are only varying perspectives based on the color of our filter of experiences. That we are all one, that we are all different versions of each other, that we are all still twelve years old trying to figure out life, scared and insecure and doing out best. It made me weep tears from the deepest parts of my bones and DNA.

“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right doing,
there is a field. I’ll meet you there.
When the soul lies down in that grass,
the world is too full to talk about.
Ideas, language, even the phrase “each other”
doesn’t make any sense.
The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you.
Don’t go back to sleep.
You must ask for what you really want.
Don’t go back to sleep.
People are going back and forth across the doorsill
where the two worlds touch.
The door is round and open.
Don’t go back to sleep.”

- Rumi

Continue reading in iboga: death & dying pt 2

self-inquiry e-book

Hi friends!

I am a life-long learner, a constant student and a seeker of truths - internal and external.

I sit in dialogue with myself, I meditate, I reflect on how I act, what I say, how I make others feel. There is a constant self-inquiry that goes on in my mind.

I created a free Self Inquiry E-Book to help jump start your journey to Self Inquiry and here I thought I would list some prompt questions to inspire threads of thought and streams of consciousness.

Creative questions

• Is this emotion mine?

• Where do I feel this emotion in my body? What color is it?

• I get so _________________ when I__________ / __________ because it reminds me of ___________ and I feel _______________

• If I let go of this story, how would I feel?

• Do I benefit from this story?

• If you’re having trouble making a decision in the moment, is it possible that’s not the moment to make the decision?

• If I wasn’t me, how would life or ________ feel and how would situations / circumstances change?

• If I wasn’t so ________________ I would be able to _______________ because I ___________

• Did that person mean to do that to me? Or were they just meeting their own needs and I was a casualty?

Helpful Questions during Hard & triggered Times

• What makes you say / think that?

• Can you help me understand why you feel that way?

• Do you want advice or for me just to listen?

• I am hurt and feeling triggered and I need some space to process.

• What exactly triggered this emotional response?"

• Is my reaction proportional to the situation?

• What past experiences might be contributing to this reaction?

• Am I interpreting the situation accurately, or is my perception distorted by past experiences?

• What are the underlying emotions I'm feeling right now?

• What do I need in this moment to feel safe and supported?

• Can I communicate my feelings and needs calmly and assertively?

• Am I willing to listen and understand the other person's perspective?

• What boundaries do I need to set to protect my emotional well-being?

• Is there a healthy way to address this trigger and move forward?

self discovery prompts

• What are my values?

• What are my strengths and weaknesses?

• Do the beliefs I hold, hold me back from exploring further?

• Are my actions in alignment with my goals?

• What do I think of myself?

• How do I contribute to life / relationships etc?

• What gives me purpose and meaning?

• Am I present in my life?

• What is holding me back?

• What am I afraid of?

• What am I grateful for?

• Do I meet my own needs?

• How do I express myself?

• What do I want to learn next?

• Who do I want to become? What steps am I taking to become that person?

Musings

Remember:

• You are exactly where you need to be

• What you’re feeling is real

• All your feelings are valid

• If you are too ‘certain’ about the person you are right now you could be destroying the person you’re supposed to be

• You can’t consider the end of something when you’ve barely just begun

• Whatever is happening to you is a direct result of your internal environment

• Times you are afraid is the exact time you can be brave

• Your brain is trying to help you survive - not make you happy!

~

thank you for reading

I hope you enjoyed these questions and got a lot of insight out of them!

I would love to hear from you! Please share your feedback in comments, shares, or likes and let me know what you thought of my Free Self-Inquiry E-Book!

Sending you much love & in gratitude

xoxox

Jess

the four selves

Or as I call them - the Four Jess’s.

I came up with this concept deep in meditation and reflection with the BioCybernaut Institute in Sedona. Here, they measure your brain waves and teach you how to get into alpha state in order to do deep internal work on your subconscious; you can access deep subconscious healing with forgiveness and compassion through finding truths, previously hidden.

Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.

- Dr. Carl Jung

Something that we all know - forgiveness can be really hard. In my time of reflection and solitude in a dark room in Sedona - it occurred to me why forgiveness can be so difficult.

The answer I found is: because we are made up of different versions of ourself - so there are different people inside you that have to be in agreement in order to give permission to fully forgive.

Now, I’ve already written some blogs on forgiveness - you can find one here. However, this is a brand new concept, an evolved method of forgiveness, if you will.

Say you were hurt when you were really small, which may have made you sad, or feel powerless or hopeless.

Perhaps you were angry and vengeful as a teenager.

Now, because some time has passed, you can look back on it logically without getting too triggered (although you still might get a little triggered.) Compassionate thoughts like “they were doing their best with the information they had,” may float around in your awareness.

Perhaps in 40 years you can look back on it and be completely at peace with it.

These are the Four Selves - these selves not only have to feel the feelings, but have to allow external expression of them in order to approve Full Forgiveness. Let me explain:

The little self

The little self is most likely the one that got hurt. How you got hurt will vary from person to person. Maybe you weren’t physically cared for, maybe you weren’t emotionally cared for, maybe you weren’t mentally cared for, and maybe your life circumstances didn’t provide safety or stability to feel cared for.

This makes the Little Self sad; feelings of despair arise, feelings of ‘I’m not worthy,’ ‘I’m not loveable,’ will come up here. Feelings of ‘I’m unsafe,’ ‘I don’t belong,’ can arise here. Feelings of shame can arise here because ‘If I was good enough this wouldn’t have happened to me.’

Sound familiar?

There can be no forgiveness without acknowledging and fully feeling the emotions.

Why?

Because your heart and your head have two different consciousnesses. Logically reasoning something in your head doesn’t access your emotions or allow you to feel in your heart, and forgiveness is a feeling, not a thought.

Let’s allow the little self to be sad, to cry, to yell, to sob, to despair, to deeply feel the feelings of sadness, AND to allow those feelings to become unstuck in our body and be expressed.

So, we emote and express the emotion; after all emotions are energy in motion, and we feel things to heal them. This is the opposite of shoving things down, compartmentalizing, and ‘I’ll deal with that later,’ mindsets. We are pulling these emotions out of being stuck in our body to be processed, live their entire life span (beginning, climax, resolution) and therefore actualized and finally released.

the teenage self

Because the Little Self cannot protect itself, our Teenage Self avenges the Little Self. It has to, because now, it can! The Teenage Self is smarter, bigger and physically stronger than the Little Self. The Teenage Self has access to more resources, coping skills, concepts, wisdom, friends, therapists, counselors.

So, outwardly - we might rebel, we might steal, smoke, drink, yell; or inwardly - we get depressed and implode on ourselves, self harm, become introverted, stay away from people, isolate, maybe we take things personally, or out on other people.

This of course will look different to different people. The way we react will always vary based on our environment and personality.

The idea here is the Teenage Self is now protecting the Little Self, and it will do it anyway it can.

So what do we do?

Once again, we allow the emotions. We allow ourselves to fully feel the hatred, resentment, and betrayal. We allow ourselves to feel these emotions as we felt them as a teenager and once again we express them.

To help process this rage we might hit a pillow with a baseball bat, find our nearest Rage Room, listen to angry music to allow the fullest expression of these emotions. We might write letters we never send to those who have harmed them.*

This is cathartic for the Teenage Self.

the current self

Now we are older and wiser, and have the ability to intellectualize concepts: ‘My dad was this way because his dad was this way.’ ‘My parents did the best they could with the resources they had.’ ‘Therapy was taboo when my parents grew up.’ These are enlightening realizations, no doubt, but it still does nothing for our Little Self that was deeply injured and couldn’t protect itself and our Teenage Self that needs someone to answer for the crimes committed against the Little Self.

Time has given us space to heal, but if we don’t allow our Little Self to cry, and our Teenage Self to rage, and both to express this outwardly, the process is incomplete. Mentally understanding an emotional concept does nothing because it’s not on the same wavelength nor does it speak the same language.

Here we must accept the feelings and allow our Little Self and Teenage self to express these emotions without judgment. To allow yourself to hit rock bottom, to fall in a puddle sobbing or howl at the moon.

Now, some of us do not feel like we have certain emotions, or that certain emotions don’t have an affect on them. I’ve met a lot of people who claim they never get angry and yet have uncontrollable sugar addictions. I find whatever emotion you definitely don’t think is a problem - is definitley a problem - and in dialogue with it you can find fertile soil for self inquiry and evolution.

If you have trouble accessing these emotions try my concept on Emotion Hacking:

1. If you can’t access sadness - try watching a sad movie about a dog, trust me you’ll cry.

2. If you can’t access anger - try listening to the angry or angsty music you loved in high school.

3. If you can’t access those old feelings - get a sound healing session with me and we’ll bring them right up to the surface to work on them.

The point of Emotion Hacking is sometimes we have trouble accessing certain emotions, this is normal, so we use an external stimulus (a sad movie or angry music) to pull up resonance in our internal space.

the old self

The Old Self is wise, the Old Self has lived so long and seen everything you have grown through. The Old Self is the version of you who has allowed the Little Self to cry, the Teenage Self to yell, and the Current Self to heal by feeling and responsibly expressing.*

The Old Self is who you needed when you were younger. The Old Self has compassion for all Selves AND all the people involved in the circumstances that resulted in injury. This is because the Old Self is all of your expressions of self and also has a grander perspective having transcended the stormy seas of your youth, your pain and your suffering.

This next part is a Thought Experiment so try this on like you were trying on a T-shirt - if it fits keep it, and if it doesn’t take it off:

Quantum Physics says that the present moment, right now, is the only thing that is technically real. So if we access all Four Selves in the present moment we are Little, Teenage, Current and Old together, united - therefore by feeling all the emotions and allowing the physical expression of those emotions we can find forgiveness because we've received permission from all the Four Selves, because we’ve allowed them to feel, to express, and to be witnessed by all other Selves.

Here we can release the binds and emotions that hold us captive to these past harmful circumstances or people - in this spaciousness of acceptance and surrender, through feeling and healthy expression, and then letting go of expectation.

feel the feelings and then rest in the spaciousness

Once you allow yourself to feel all the feelings you might find there is a sensation of spaciousness, of lightness and freedom. You might have more compassion and true forgiveness because you didn’t try to gloss over your own pain. In accepting our pain and dialoguing with it we deepen our understanding of ourselves, and therefore others.

When we forgive ourselves we can more easily forgive others, when we allow our emotional expression we can sit easier with the emotional expression of others.

~

Try it on and let me know what you think!

~

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing there is a field. I’ll meet you there.”

—Rumi

*Expressing responsibly is important and an internal journey. You don’t have to do it alone and can have a vulnerability buddy. You are allowed to feel angry; just make sure you are being emotionally responsible by not blaming or yelling at others. You are allowed to hit a pillow with a baseball bat - that does not affect anyone else negatively. This is about YOU and your feelings.

energetic hygiene

Something feels ‘off’ but I just can’t put my finger on it?

My healing room seems ‘dense?’

How can I stay cleansed from the energies I work with?

How can I keep my clients clean from energy?

I get asked these questions a lot and my answer always is:

it is imperative to instill an energetic hygienic practice into your energy healing practice

& luckily for you there are a bunch of different ways to do this! Regardless if you’re just curious how to keep your living space’s energy clean, or your a client receiving sessions or a practitioner working with people, you’ll find this blog helpful!

What the heck do I mean by Energetic Hygiene?

I’m glad you asked. Just like body hygiene is important, so is energetic hygiene. You’ve probably experienced this before if a person emotionally dumped all their “stuff” on you without your permission, sometimes you walk away feeling ‘icky.’ This is because of an energetic transfer - nothing happened physically - but you can feel that something is off.

Practitioners

If your client is off-gassing a lot of energy:

You’ll know this because of the constant pressure changes in the air around you, temperature fluctuations and need to constantly dragon-breathe.

You can place a bowl of salt water underneath the massage table and set an intention for the wild energy that is flying around to be pulled into the vortex where it will be cleansed, dissolved and disintegrated safely.

Pro tip! Grounding is an absolute essential part of doing healing work. Practice this by going outside and standing barefoot in the grass, in the sand or in the dirt. Feel yourself dropping a line of energy down through your legs out the sols of your feet into the earth, releasing excess energy into the earth, while receiving negative ions from the earth that have good health indicators!

If the session is crazy intense and you feel like you need some ‘divine’ help:

I have found that using an intentional salt circle around the session and St Germain’s Violet Flame ‘inside’ the session can help cleanse whatever is ‘other.’ By ‘other’ I mean:

• not your clients

• old stuff that is really dense

• energy that came ‘before’ your client (literally or cosmically)

If you’re noticing that you leave with what the client brought in:

This means you need to work on grounding your energy and their energy a bit better. Remember as you breathe you are grounding that energy all the way down, out the soles of your feet into the earth to be grounded.

This could also mean you need to clean your hands. Cleaning your hands can look like

• washing them with soap and water

• spraying them with a alcohol + water + essential oil potion

• you can put your hand in the geode of a crystal (without touching the sides) and allow all the focused energy of the crystalline points to cleanse your hands.

remember whatever instrument you work with needs to be cleansed after sessions:

Your pendulum needs to be cleansed, your tuning forks can be cleansed with other forks, smoke, crystals or sounds. If you’re working with bowls, gong or chimes they generally clean each other throughout group sessions.

It is a great idea to have a little ‘cleansing station’ that can look very much like an altar, or a crystal grid that you can place your instruments in for cleansing after sessions.

If your practitioner says they don’t need to clean their crystals this is a red flag.

People / clients / practitioner

BREATHE

Breathing deeply and activating your diaphragm and vagus nerve is so incredibly important. When you breathe shallow the breath stays in the upper chest; this is not where the breath is supposed to stay!

The breath wants to be breathed all the way down to your low belly! Why? Your lungs act as a great bellows to PUMP your diaphragm and STIMULATE your vagus nerve.

Activating the diaphragm and vagus nerve helps:

• digestion

• the nervous system

• your chakral system

• stress reduction

• heart health

• digestion

• mood regulation

• & more!

Pro Tip! As a client, practitioner, or living breathing person. Please work on deepening your breath!

seriously, please.

protect your energy:

Keep your energy yours and your client’s energy theirs. I like working with the tuning forks because it provides a soft barrier between us (rather than using my hands) and the vibration on the fork cleanses any energy before it gets to my hand.

You can also create shields, but make sure you’re using elemental energy to do so. Otherwise you’re just taking your energy and putting it outside yourself, which personally doesn’t seem like a good idea due to mass and density.

Perceiving myself as an Alchemist: I use a form of Tonglen meditation in my ‘energetic boundaries’ where I breathe it all in, and ground out the good, learning from the ‘dark,’ and recycling the beauty back into the world.

Living or healing spaces

for overall cleansing your healing space:

You can sage your healing space, you can play “om” in your space while you’re not there (low volume works), you can use a tuning fork or whatever your craft uses to harmonize the space - especially the corners of the room, doors, windows, and mirrors.

Pro Tip! If you forget, you’ll notice your attention being drawn away during sessions and pulled into an area of the room. There is a collection of energy in this area that is creating a vacuum.

energetic hygiene for life:

Make sure you are walking in alignment with your truth. If you’re preaching health and wellness your life should really reflect that. If not there is a discoherence between body and mind that will increase and become apparent over time.

the basics:

• Eat well, drink lots of water, salt bath, self care, and journal.

• Practice Mindfulness, cultivate compassion toward yourself and your fellow man.

• Meditate, reflect and visualize.

• nature, nature nature

expert level:

• Take care of yourself by setting good boundaries, this is imperative as an energy healer. If you are leaking energy it’s irresponsible to ‘heal’ from an empty cup.

• Forgive, yes you, yes. Forgive. Trust me, I didn’t want to either. I wanted to hold onto all that delicious resentment, and then I forgave. There is medicine here.

• Be a good person, like really actually good. Not just in public. Karma is real and what goes around comes around, what you do to others will be done to you, what you reap you will eventually sow.

• Keep learning: there is no end to what you can learn when you fall down the “sound healing” wormhole. It is vast and endless. You owe it to yourself and your clients.

~

I hope this blog gave you some extra tips and pointers! If you have any questions or feedback please let me know.

Comment, email, share, like: I would love to hear from you.

Make sure you follow my social medias as I am announcing dates for my FREE 3 Webinar Sound Healing Series next week!

• Is Sound Healing Real?

• Chakras 101-103

• Sound Healing Theory

see you There!

Crystal singing bowls & vibrational Medicine

I have been lucky and infinitely blessed to have played crystal bowls for different audiences throughout California, Arizona, and Puerto Rico.

I discovered Crystal Bowls at the Academy of Integrative Health and Medicine Conference in San Diego in 2014. At the time I was working at a Subtle Energy Laboratory in San Diego and was invited to attend the conference. In the corner I saw all these beautiful and mystical crystal bowls set up and on a break I sat down and played. I was immediately entranced and transfixed by the sounds and tones coming out of them. I felt that the sound was not only playing around me and singing sweetly to my ears, but I physically was feeling the sound waves traveling and dancing through my body. I felt like I was on an inner journey throughout the time that I played, time seemed to dissolve and I felt, as the shaman’s say, outside of time. The picture below is actually the exact moment I fell in love with them. Thank you to Amelia for capturing.

At the time I was studying under Eileen Day McKusick and loving my deep dive into the science of sound and all the magic the world of vibration had to offer. It made so much sense to me as I was already an energy healer, so I understood intention and non-localized healing. I had a scientific background and understood the body and it’s different systems, it’s structure and it’s function. I had studied subtle energy in a clinical setting through the thermosphere - specializing in the infrared heat the body emits. I was currently studying subtle energy in a laboratory setting - in a Faraday cage or copper shielded room that blocked out all electromagnetic waves. The Master’s Program that I had started specialized in Human Consciousness. All the roads were leading me to “Rome” whereas “Rome” was this understanding of this foundational origin place of sound waves / wave forms and vibration.

We all remember in science class ~ 3rd grade where we’re taught everything in this whole universe is vibration, including us, our parents, space, even the chair we’re sitting on, and then we glossed over that and starting learning about something else.

But what if waveforms and vibration is actually everything? and in the study of vibration we can come to understand (perhaps not everything) but a lot more things than we do now with our rigid cosmology or view of the world and how it works?

In Traditional Chinese Medicine they believe that illness occurs when there is a blockage or stagnation of a meridian (or channel of energy). Using Acupuncture and herbs they can help loosen this blockage to create flow, and thus health.

If you think about it - a truth we can all agree on it: MOVEMENT IS MEDICINE. If you are sluggish vs active = you might be feeling sickish vs healthy. If your body is stagnant vs in flow = you may feel sickish vs healthy. Mixing East & West theories: if your veins, meridians, arteries, or nadi’s are slow or lagging - this can cause physical, emotional or mental health issues. Another example is - when you are in flow state, how easy everything comes to you - it’s almost like you are aligned with the universe and the universe sees that and conspires on your behalf.

Following this rabbit hole even deeper, there’s an underlying idea of movement, waveforms, or vibration and it’s relationship to harmony. If you are vibrating lower than your equilibrium you may feel low, sad, depressed, sick, unable to get out of bed etc; if you are vibrating higher than your equilibrium you may feel anxious, overwhelmed, hypervigilant, easily irritated, angered, etc. When you are operating at your equilibrium or homeostasis - defined by google as ‘a self-regulating process by which a living organism can maintain internal stability while adjusting to changing external conditions’ you feel calm, steady, secure, adaptable, flexible. This relationship between waveform / vibration - which is everything - and the balance or harmony of that waveform / vibration - which influences how we respond to everything, is paramount.

Using Crystal Bowls, Tuning Forks, Drums, Koshi Chimes, Tibetan Bowls, etc we are activating vibration with vibration. We are following the Universal Instruction. The Playing Book, if you will. Something that always troubled the back of my brain was what if “…in the beginning was the word,” is a mistranslation from “…in the beginning there was sound.”

All of our ancient cultures did sound healing with the different instruments they made based on their geography. What if they were on to something? If you’ve ever participated in a Crystal Singing Bowl or Sound Healing event in general you know what I’m talking about. The energy, tones, frequencies and harmonies that come out of these are ingrained with healing energy, inspirited with power and deeply-rooted in ancestral wisdom.

If you haven’t attended some sort of Sound Healing event - whether it’s with bowls, voice, gongs etc I highly recommend it. If you have - with me or anyone else - I’d love to hear about your experience!

~

Personal Note: My intention with sharing my life through social media has always been complete transparency and authenticity. I have always wanted to share exactly who I am, but in doing so I have found my social medias are primarily travel & fun and don’t really focus on what I do at all. My healing work is my life’s mission and it is wholly sacred to me, and perhaps I have felt that promoting it on social media’s feels boastful or prideful; and therefore against what I stand for as healing is generally private. I have decided to share this truth / vulnerability here, with you now, to help myself overcome this obstacle.

I am (apprehensively) happy to announce I have finally made a new life’s-work-related, sound healing-devoted instagram that focuses less on my travels and fun and more on my life’s work and sacred mission. I’ll be posting my blogs / events / excursions and availability here <3

Please give me a follow on ig: @wellnesswanderer_jess

<3

As an eternal student

I know enough to know I can always learn more.

That is why it is so important to me to continue my education learning new ways to best support you on your healing journey. My eternal mission and my responsibility to my clients is to provide them with the utmost care.

In 2023 I did two massive 7 day intensive trainings. One with BioCybernaut in Sedona in March and one with the Hoffman Institute in Chester, Connecticut in November. Warning: these trainings are not retreats, and they are not easy. You have to fully commit to yourself and be your own accountabilty buddy. You have to seriously want to change.

At my Biocybernaut Training I not only learned how to train my brain, I learned how to alter it in real time. During the training I was hooked up to an EEG which uses Biofeedback to show your brainwaves (represented by numbers) as they are happening. Watching my brainwaves shift based on what I was thinking about enabled me to change the way I think, react, feel and heal.

For 7 full days I was in a cold dark room (seriously!) just learning how to train my brain and focus my thoughts to achieve alpha state. An unfocused-focus or a focused-unfocused is the best way I can describe alpha although google describes it as ‘a wakeful relaxation.’

Consistent practicing throughout 7 days and and constant biofeedback from my brain waves helped root this change deep inside myself. As you all know how I feel about Forgiveness - I am happy to say that my view of forgiveness has expanded! This is wholly due to my time at BioCybernaut and the Hoffman Institute!

I have had trouble with forgiveness in the past and have written about ‘hacking forgiveness.’ The techniques used in BioCybernaut and Hoffman helped me discover forgiveness from a deep internal and highly expansive way. I truly feel like a new Jess.

The Hoffman Process works on forgiveness between yourself, your inner child and your relationships with your family, and how that influences your current relationship dynamics. Do you ever get sick of being yourself sometimes? With the same patterns coming up over and over again in relationships? There comes a point where you’re like okayyyyyy…. maybe its not everyone else when the common denominator is ME. (ha!)

Both BioCybernaut and Hoffman work to honor exactly how you felt at the time, they allow you to express, to be angry, to be hurt, to feel that rage, resentment, to feel that betrayal, that sticky shame and horrible guilt. In doing so, you are deeply honoring how your Inner Child felt at the time and you are allowed to point the finger at those around you who you perceived were ‘guilty’ for causing this pain. One of my favorite quotes from Hoffman is:

Everyone is guilty, and no one is to blame.

This sentence exploded my brain. Everyone is guilty…. and no one is to blame. How painfully poetic and beautifully true.

I, we, you, they, us are all guilty, but we’re not to blame.

After allowing yourself to feel the hurt and the pain you start to understand that the people around you who caused you pain were only trying to avoid their own pain.

Now, of course we all know this logically, but through the techniques used in BioCybernaut and Hoffman you are going through and growing through a spiritual pilgrimage and building up a Hero’s Journey to get to these places. Remember both of these programs are 7 days fully intensive. At Hoffman they take your phone for this whole time (eeeek!) You have to fully commit to yourself, to heal, for your future self, to save yourself and the way you relate to others.

In these programs you are receiving feedback from how you feel about these situations and circumstances and healing them from the perspective of the subconscious mind. These two programs are absolutely INCREDIBLE and I would highly recommend them.

I did BioCybernaut first, in March of 2023 and Hoffman second in October 2023. I liked the way I did these programs because they 100% build off one another. After Hoffman I went back to Michigan and spent a whole fucking week with my parents! If you know, you know :p

Since then, I feel more aligned in myself, I blame people less for things that have happened and I have been able to be so me-y it’s been so full of bliss and so fantastic. I feel so aligned in my center and my truth and I have been able to speak it from such a grounded and diplomatic way. I have been able to see people from their wounded Inner Child and the amount of compassion I have for everyone around me is magnificently overwhelmning.

I am finally free from my patterns - whether they were passed down from generations or created by Inner Child me to avoid pain.

The longer I sit as a student, the better I rise as a teacher.

If you have any questions or want to work with me, please feel free to message me as I would love to share more!

xoxox

Why do I have soooo many Tattoos?

Thank you for asking, I would love to talk about this as it’s a question I get so often.

As a Cancerian girl growing up in Michigan around the Great Lakes, water, specifically rivers, lakes, and streams were an important part of my childhood AND I grew up with a creek behind my parent’s house. Every year my family camped on Lake Huron since I was 5 years old, we camped on the Canadian side so every night I watched the sun set over the water, Michigan invisible on the horizon.

As I’ve written about before, my dad blessed my childhood with divination tools like Tarot, Numerology and Astrology. I already had a curious mind about all things “woo” and mysterious so this found me traveling down different windy roads with topics like spiritualism, Theosophy, the Golden Dawn, quantum physics, and this eventually (as all things do) lead me to the subject of water.

I was a voracious reader and one fateful day I came upon Dr Emoto’s Hidden Messages in Water at 16 years old. Dr Emoto was a Japanese researcher who’s focus was intention and he wrote about different experiments in this book.

In one experiment they put 3 plants in a closet (in order to avoid sunlight as a variable). They watered these plants every day but for Plant 1 - the intention was to speak good things to it. For Plant 2 - the intention was to speak negative things to it and for Plant 3 - the intention was to ignore it.

Guess which plant died?

The plant that was ignored.

This blew my tiny teenage brain.

I learned an ancient truth: there is so much power in intention.

… The book carried on.

Dr Emoto and his team did experiments with water and intention where they would take water from the same source (to avoid variable) and poured the water in different glasses and taped a range of intentions to the different glasses. These intentions were across a spectrum, from “love” and “compassion” all the way to “hate” and “greed.” The researchers would freeze the water and image the crystals with microscopic photography.

What did they find?!

The researches found that the water in glasses with loving intentions taped to it formed beautiful crystals, and the glasses of water that had negative intentions taped to it had trouble forming crystals all together, they looked almost deformed.

Teenage Jess’s mind was blown again, and, as a creative person who had always used their outward appearance as their creative expression I had come to learn another truth.

If you have an intention and you wish it upon water, that water will hold and carry that intention.

My brain immediately linked “intention,” “ink,” and “water” to tattoos on the skin. ‘Maybe this is why our ancestors, who knew so much about the stars, and had rituals and ceremonies and walkabouts, maybe this is why they had been found, discovered and unburied with tattoos inked into their skin,’ teenage Jess pondered, creating the connection between tattoos and ancient civilizations. (Not surprisingly, I grew up with an interest in the mysteries of the world, like the Bermuda Triangle, Atlantis, Lemuria, Egypt; until growing up I realized all places are mysterious and magical, they’re just waiting for their magic to be rediscovered.)

Another fellow tattooed person, after hearing my reasoning, had a similar thought and said to me “When I started getting tattoos, it mostly felt like they were just being uncovered, rather than inked on.”

(continued after picture…)

I realized that maybe, just maybe, if I intended something… created an image of that intention, and that magic that intention contained… and inked it into my skin… could I actually change the frequency of my body, which is water and therefore holds memory?

If I ink something ancient, like the Flower of Life, the Sri Yantra, or perhaps the Unalome… does that match my frequency with the intention of that symbol, that has been revered, respected, for millenia?

Does that literally, metaphorically or even metaphysically invoke the power that the symbol has held for me and/or my life?

Can I literally harness the magic and power of the universe through intention, ink and water?

Teenage Jess cried “YES!” Twenty-year old Jess agreed and 30 something Jess still agrees, and not only that, but is so proud of Teenage Jess for making that discovery for herself and committing to it.

<3

My life has always been magic, and will continue to be nothing less than magic; maybe it’s not necessarily because of the “ink,” but it’s definitely linked to “water,” and 100% because of “intention.”

<3

Very special shout out to Janice Rodriguez for taking the time, one fateful night & stepping up to the task of counting all my tattoos - she counted 65, with room for error <3