SHAME
Shame is a powerful and often overwhelming emotion that can be difficult to shake off. It is the feeling that we are flawed, inadequate, or unworthy of love and acceptance. Shame can be triggered by a wide range of experiences, from small mistakes to major life events, and it can have a significant impact on our mental and emotional well-being. It's the feeling that we are not good enough or that we have done something wrong, and it often leads to a sense of isolation and disconnection from others.
Shame is an intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging. ~ Brene Brown
When we experience shame, we believe that there is something fundamentally wrong with us, and that we are different or separate from the people around us. This can be incredibly isolating and can lead to feelings of loneliness and despair.
In my opinion, shame and guilt are some of the worst feelings a human can feel because of how sticky they are - they’re like quicksand and the more you feel them the more they suck you under. I believe this happens because of my belief in past lives, and ancestral and intergenerational trauma that goes all the way back in time, but remembered and/or echoed through DNA. Once upon a time when we were in nomadic tribes we depended on community for survival - if you did something bad you were potentially exiled from your community. This exile could have and would have meant death. I think it’s possible shame and guilt feel so awful because they bring up past-life memories and emotions of despair and threaten death.
Luckily for all of us, it IS possible to break the cycle of shame. The first step is to recognize and acknowledge and NAME our feelings of shame. We must be willing to confront our shame head-on and recognize that it is a normal and natural emotion - just like all other emotions. Remember all your Emotions are Like Puppies, and they are all valid.
Another effective approach is to challenge the negative beliefs that underlie our feelings of shame. Remember - we parent ourselves like our parents did when we are stressed. In the absence of our parents, we can become our biggest critic. Question where those internal voices are coming from - see if you can reframe that Critical Judge Self to perhaps a Supportive and Benevolent Coach. By questioning the validity of our negative self-talk and reframing our thoughts in a more positive light, we can begin to shift our perspective and feel more confident in ourselves.
I like to put sticky notes around my house reminding me “I did the best that I could in that moment,” “I can always try better tomorrow,” “I’m doing great.” So that every time my negative self talk may arise there is a sticky note not too far in the distance cheering me on. This begins to create a feedback loop: negative thought arises -> we feel it -> we find it in our body and name it -> we accept and breathe that this is all a part of being human -> we create a new thought -> if the negative thought is still there, that’s okay, -> begin again at step 1.
Forgive yourself for what you didn’t know before you learned it ~ Brene Brown
This is my favorite quote from Brene Brown. I believe there are no such thing as mistakes - only lessons that help us grow into the people we have always been on the inside. Another way to overcome shame is to practice self-compassion. This means treating ourselves with kindness and understanding, rather than judgment and criticism.
Allow yourself to grow through what you go through.
I believe that we are the people we needed when we were younger.
Let that sink in for a second.
We are, in our current self, the exact people we needed when we were younger. Allow yourself to go back in time and give the little version of yourself exactly what they needed. Re-parent yourselves with loving-kindness, listen to your inner self with compassionate understanding.
Ultimately, overcoming shame requires us to be brave and vulnerable. It means acknowledging our flaws and mistakes, and accepting ourselves as we are - beautifully flawed and perfectly imperfect. When we are able to do this, we can break free from the cycle of shame and live a more authentic and fulfilling life.
The fear of judgment and rejection can prevent us from being our authentic selves and can even lead to self-destructive behaviors. It's important to recognize and address feelings of shame in order to live a more fulfilling life. Just like I wrote about in Vulnerability: A Superpower, there is strength and alchemical gold in being vulnerable because it helps you connect more authentically to others.
Alchemy
I believe in the magic of Alchemy, or turning non-gold materials into gold through magic. Circumstances of our life will happen to us and AND for us; it is up to us to extract the gems of truth from these ordinary or unfortunate experiences and transmute them into gold.
I hope you will go out and let stories, that is life, happen to you, and that you will work with these stories... water them with your blood and tears and your laughter till they bloom, till you yourself burst into bloom. ~ Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes
The story of the lotus in Buddhism reminds me of alchemizing our life experiences and transforming them into enlightenment. The lotus starts its life from the bottom of a dirty pond, it grows upwards towards the light until finally transforming into the beautiful lotus flower that sits above the muddy water, becoming the illuminated flower that we all know and love. This is like us through life - we are born under certain conditions that we must grow upwards and expand beyond. Throughout life we are searching for the light - whether that is love, our purpose, money, etc. We stretch and reach towards this goal until finally achieving it and blossoming open above the mucky muck, reaping all the goodness that we have sown in the sunlight of this awareness.
This is the same with alchemizing our shame and vulnerability into gold for others. Shame thrives in secrecy and isolation, so by sharing our experiences with others, we can begin to build more meaningful connections with the people around us.
don’t ‘should’ on yourself!
There is no such thing as something you should have done. It simply doesn’t exist. What if the only thing that is truly real is this moment we’re having? You did your best at the time, with the knowledge that you had, and regardless of the outcome you have gained wisdom.
This is important: you did not walk away empty handed, you have an expanded awareness of the situation; you have gained wisdom and experience that you can apply to future circumstances.
Everything in your life has lead you to the moment you’re having right now. If you like where you are then nothing you have done can be seen as a mistake. If you don’t like where you are, instead of kicking yourself, focus your energy here in the present moment.
The magic of the present moment is what builds and blossoms your future. Changing your actions right now can create a new path forward. If you tried to plant a garden every year in the same place with the same seeds, and every year it didn’t work - wouldn’t you try changing something? We as humans are just more complex gardens :)
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
I remember going through a difficult break up and thinking “I should have done this,” “if only I did this,” and then having an epiphany that our hearts HAVE to break throughout our life! This happens for us so our hearts can expand and hold more love. This is the whole philosophy of Kintsugi - the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery with gold - making something that broke even more beautiful than it was before it broke.
Everyone has cracks, that’s how the light gets in. ~ Leonard Cohen
Ultimately, the key to overcoming shame lies in cultivating self-compassion and self-love. By recognizing our inherent worth and treating ourselves with kindness and understanding, we can begin to heal the wounds that shame has caused and move towards a more fulfilling and authentic life.
By acknowledging and accepting our experiences and emotions, we can begin to work through them and find ways to move forward. By sitting with our discomfort, and practicing being comfortable being uncomfortable we begin to detach from these emotions. Rather than “I am shameful” we realize “shame is visiting us.” This gives us permission to feel what we feel without judgement.
Once again:
Forgive yourself for what you didn’t know before you learned it ~ Brene Brown
*I highly recommend listening to Brene Brown’s various youtube videos and podcasts on shame! She is highly informative, an amazing and compassionate educator and a deep listener <3
